"Go ahead," it says at the top of the page. "Linger on his lips."
And, so, I see the erotic picture of a "couple" (air-brushed models, thank you) pressing their delectable lips together, tasting the sensuality of "the kiss."
What's missing from our lives that we have to turn to magazines like Cosmopolitan for advice? I looked up the word cosmopolitan in the dictionary and it says that somebody who is cosmopolitan is "not bound by local or national habits or prejudices; at home in all countries or places." The only way this definition pertains to the magazine is the article about "making love" in public or unusual places -- making them home to raw, animal karma.
Yet, here I am, stuck on page 94 of the February 2002 issue of Cosmo, and I'm actually interested in what "The Bliss of a Kiss" has to say.
Groan.
Apparently, kissing isn't simply a lustful activity that causes our souls to burn in sin. There are some health benefits as well -- shocking. The only health benefit I've heard was burning a couple of calories. Usually, I just hear the man or woman blaming the other for catching a nasty case of mono.
"You should've told me you had a sore throat. That explains why you dozed off in the middle of Titanic."
According to the scientific theories the magazine is based on ("Sleep Naked: And Other Surprising Ways to Feel Sexier in Your Skin" and "Turn-On Tricks: How to Make Him Ache for You All Day Long") I figured fellow students and faculty should get the inside scoop on why kissing can be just as good as a 20-minute run through a park.
Well, something like a 20-minute run.
First of all, it keeps you healthy -- I made that point already. According to the book "Sexual Fitness," co-authored by MeiMei Fox, kissing can reduce the body's level of cortisol, a chemical that strains the immune system.
So, if that's the case, then why are we fighting with our significant others about catching mono? Kissing reduces the risk -- or so MeiMei says.
Let's see what else MeiMei has to say:
"A romantic lip lock triggers the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with intimate connections."
So, now we know that kissing makes us seep with fumes and therefore we become completely irresistible, and if not so much irresistible, at least we can have a better one-on-one conversation with our significant other.
If you can't get the attention of your mate, slowly lean in and suck the life out of them until they can't breathe and then he or she will definitely listen to you.
"But, honey, I just wanted to have an intimate connection -- and your soul."
The next bit of advice will be good news for those obsessed with teeth.
Sucking face with your mate can help fight cavities. Who needs Scope? Just lie on the ground and have your significant other spit in your mouth. MeiMei puts it a little more poetic, of course.
"The saliva rush from a mouth-watering make-out session battles plaque buildup on your teeth."
I love how Cosmo makes kissing sound like white-water rafting through the wilderness, especially when describing a kiss with the words "saliva rush."
So, now that we feel healthy with our mate, connect and remain intimate, and feel like we've just been drenched on a water ride from Cedar Point, kissing can also take the place of illegal substances.
Kissing: the anti-drug.
MeiMei says that a big, juicy kiss -- or in Cosmo's words, "a high-octane tongue tangle" -- releases dopamine, which is an endorphin, and the adrenaline rush gives the body a natural high -- or in Cosmo's words, "a randy rush."
Last, but not least, is MeiMei's description of kissing as it is like meditating.
"Slowly smooching quells anxiety and leads to the Zen experience of being 100 percent present in the moment."
But what happens when your mind starts to wander while you're slowly smooching, huh, MeiMei?
Of course, Cosmo's answer to that question is easy -- if you're mind wanders during a good mouth massage, it means you're not totally diggin' the relationship and you should probably end it, or you need to buy lots of new clothes, or you need sexy new hair, or it's time to buy new make up.
Or, perhaps it simply means we need to close the magazine.
002,6V5>Evan's Column 6/20DNEditorial002SORT+âc+â-ä2AUDT
+â-ä?-¦
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
