The state of Indiana has seemed to run into the proverbial fiscal pickle. More than $150 million is being cut from higher education in the state. Thanks Gov. Mitch Daniels. Of that, $15.25 million is being cut from Ball State University's budget. The administration has asked for input from all areas of campus. Hearing this call for help, I'd like to put forth these suggestions on how to cut costs at the university:
Sell all the desks and make students sit on the floor. Think kindergarten story time.
Lay off all the janitors and make janitorial work a requirement for professors receiving tenure.
Make students cook their own food at dining facilities. Call it an immersive learning experience.
Remove all sport teams that haven't had a winning season in five years.
Shut off the hallway lights in every building and make students navigate by flashlight.
Turn LaFollette Field into a corn field and make the freshmen harvest it in the fall. Call it an immersive learning experience.
Cut down the trees in Christy Woods and use the timber as a way to heat buildings. While we're at it, cut down the ones in the Quad as well. It's not like anyone uses it.
Send students to other universities to illegally pirate their lectures. Call it distance education.
If that isn't cost cutting enough, simply make students teach each other.
Pull all gold fillings from students and faculty alike and sell them off. Gold prices are on the rise.
Give out food stamps instead of scholarships.
Get rid of all hobby majors.
Get rid of all statistics classes and hand out a deck of cards and a pair of dice instead. Or, teach our statistic majors how to count cards, send them to Vegas and keep the winnings. Call it an immersive learning experience.
Get rid of all dryers on campus, hang clotheslines across McKinley and dry clothes that way. Call it an immersive learning experience.
Get rid of the shuttle buses and have oxen drawn carriages instead. Oregon Trail was the coolest.
While we're at it, get rid of all washing machines and make students carry their clothes to Frog Baby or the Duck Pond and wash clothes there. Call it an immersive learning experience.
Sell off all winter clothing left on Frog Baby.
Hold monthly date auctions of faculty and staff. Call it community building.
Sell off the new Dodge Chargers the campus police received and buy horses instead. Or we could just get rid of the campus police force altogether and have student militias instead. Conceal and carry's no big deal, right?
No more parking tickets. If you park illegally, your car will be impounded and sold off. Then cut the plowing budget. With fewer cars on the road, less snow has to get plowed.
Turn LaFollette into a hotel and make the freshmen sleep in Worthen Arena; we'll definitely have the biggest student section in the MAC then.
If there isn't enough space in Worthen Arena to accommodate all the freshmen, don't fill the holes being dug for the geothermal project and have them sleep there instead.
Quarterbacks have to pay $100 for each interception thrown. Fumbles and missed kicks will be finable offenses as well.
Charge to view the artwork on the second floor of AJ.
Charge a pedestrian toll for using the Scramble Light.
Tax President Jo Ann Gora's nail polish.
Require 50 cents be paid in order to access toilet paper in all restrooms on campus.
Condoms should be removed from vending machines in freshman residence halls.
Increase pregnancy test fees at the Health Center.
Replace Tom Collins the athletic director with Tom Collins the drink. It's less costly and just as effective.
Fine SGA slates for each platform item not fully completed at the end of their term.
I'm glad that last one's not retroactive.
Frank Hood is a senior entrepreneurship and political science double major and writes ‘From the Hood' for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper.
Write to frank at frhood@bsu.edu.
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