I don't know about you, but I love taking a good morning walk around the Ball State University campus this time of year. It's especially lovely to walk down McKinley Avenue, by the duck pond adjacent to the tennis courts. The past week, in addition to the regular company of mallards and crows around the pond, I've stopped to enjoy the company of many of our crimson colored mascots, the Northern Cardinal. In fact, this past Thursday, I was fortunate enough to see seven cardinals on one tree branch; quite a lovely sight.
However, my happy mood was dampened several hours later, when I heard the tragic news of the lost earmarks. For those who haven't yet heard, Rep. Mike Pence has declined to apply for any earmark money for Ball State, money which would go to sorely needed areas, such as continuing to improve McKinley Avenue, which is clearly in need of more immediate work to make it a safe place where students would feel comfortable walking to class en masse. President Gora has taken immediate action, threatening to sign a letter, a strongly-worded letter that will hopefully persuade Rep. Pence to reconsider his devastating actions.
However, the outlook is gloomy. The lack of funding will obviously also affect maintenance decisions, as well as those in the Ball State administration by decreasing the likelihood of bonuses during the upcoming fiscal year. Students may also face rising food plan prices, in addition to student fees and other charges.
Walking down McKinley Avenue today, it already appears that Ball State students, old and new, are feeling the pressure of the incoming monetary hardship. In fact, while sitting in the Atrium, I noticed many newly-orientated students eating sparingly, even while their parents were footing the bill. This does not bode well for the university, which, in addition to running the Atrium, operates several cafeterias all over campus; places that need funding to remain open, and which won't without regular student activity.
Did you know that the average Northern Cardinal male, when fully grown, reaches a length of 21-23 centimeters and weighs roughly 1.6 ounces? Its wingspan can measure up to 30 centimeters in length as well. In fact, for a bird with such bright plumage and small stature, it is a rather full-bodied fowl ...
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope won't be liable to the least objection.
I have been well-assured by a very knowing resident of Indiana, whom I met one evening at the Heorot, that a well-grown Northern Cardinal is a most tender, nourishing and delicious piece of meat, whether stewed, roasted, deep-fried, baked or stuck on a kabob, and I do not doubt that it would be just as scrumptious in a stew or a chili.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that Ball State take the already documented population of 200 or so cardinals on campus, and began controlled breeding to rapidly increase their numbers, in captivity of course. These birds could, within a few months, begin to supply BSU with a much-needed supply of cheap meat to feed the student body. Students would also be taught to make several cardinal traps to catch the birds still living in the wild. Such traps could easily be made with little cost, and since several of the dormitories are of great height, placing them in student's windows should surely yield a regular crop of cardinals.
Students who catch wild cardinals could also be taught how to remove and process the difference bits of the birds. For instance, on eBay, male cardinal beaks, used by many as aphrodisiacs, are going for as much as $.75 per pound. In addition, if students could perform some simple taxidermy techniques, they might fetch a profit from stuffed animal collectors.
The funds from all of this would go to fund the "Improve McKinley Avenue Project" that we all agree needs the bulk of our support in these troubled economic times. With support and sacrifice from students, I do not doubt the positive impact of these measures will help to fully fund this project, the most vital program in city of Muncie.
Matt Balk is a senior magazine and graphics journalism major and writes 'Questionable Conundrums' for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper.
Write to Matt at mjbalk@bsu.edu
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