Take away a college's caffeine supply, and the world may end.
I gather this after reading the DN|Online comments for the June 26 article detailing plans to close and replace the "Starbucks" in the Art and Journalism Building next summer. The location is not actually a Starbucks, rather a Barnes & Noble Cafe serving Starbucks brand products. Regardless, it's clear some coffee junkies may cease to function when this goes down. Well, unless Dining Services decides to put in a Jamba Juice, readers said.
The situation will likely spiral out of control come the Fall Semester when the rest of the campus body returns to the news. A hypothetical assessment of campus deterioration follows.
In September Starbucks will announce the closing of its McGalliard Road location. The news is crippling for two reasons: Starbucks-seekers must travel to Tillotson Avenue to indulge, and the "Lazy Muncie" video guys are no longer correct in saying "Everything's on McGalliard." Ball State announces its plans to open "Cafe Fruity" in place of the Barnes and Noble Cafe. Disgruntled students argue the need for a Jamba Juice but are quickly distracted by Homecoming Week festivities.
When the "smoothie shop" opens in 2009 - or 2011 given Ball State Dining's record with opening small cafes - upperclassmen will boycott the eatery on principle alone. The "Cafe Fruity" does not accept Starbucks gift cards, shocking many unsuspecting customers who always, "thought I could use it at that Starbucks here before."
Unassuming freshmen will purchase the fruit-flavored goodness en masse, only to fall victim of fatigue during multiple sections of HIST 100, SOC 100 and COMM 210. Sexual health classes remain unaffected. Muncie's Wal-Mart seeks overnight delivery of pod espresso machines following an overwhelming purchase rate by Ball State faculty and staff.
Alarming accusations will surface in 2013 as the men's kayaking team faces allegations of caffeine doping. The NCAA will refuse comment as its resources will remain tied up in Indiana University's basketball team. Media will further question how Ball State even has a men's kayaking team. BSU's Department of Intercollegiate Athletics promises a thorough internal investigation.
In 2015, in an event causing even Utah residents to ask, "WTF?," the university will enact a caffeine ban on its campus. The announcement and subsequent punishment for wrongdoing - payable only in Dew Points - will spark riots and marches across campus. The unenergetic and subsequently short-lived protests of "We need our fuel," will unexpectedly turn to "Dude, I'm sort of tired," followed promptly by a brief school-wide nap time.
Caffeine smugglers will infiltrate the smoothie shop with contraband. The speak-easy like backroom of the shop will become a haven for all-nighters. Staying alone in a bookstore after closing will no longer be limited to confused freshmen. The system will continue unearthed through Spring 2016, when the Daily News breaks the story of a tragic incident involving an architecture student, a smuggled triple-shot low fat latte and a scale model.
GPAs plummet with energy levels. Ball State's enrollment rate hits an all-time low. BSU's Department of Intercollegiate Athletics promises a thorough internal investigation before realizing it has nothing to do with the situation. Ultimately the university folds following years of chaotic, disheveled management blamed only on the lack of a centralized coffee shop. The End.
There is an off-chance the university will proceed to function as normal and without fail as the masses open their eyes to other options for caffeine. Actually that's exactly what will happen.
As a recovering caffeine addict, I understand the pain. There's nothing worse than a 2 p.m. headache inspired by your body's demand for the bitter substance. Actually, there are many worse things: death, cardiac arrest and course incompletes, to name a few. We'll all survive the loss of an arguably overpriced coffee shop, as long as something reasonable is put in its place.
Dining must heed student input when developing a new plan for the cafe. In a few years the L.A. Pittenger Student Center will reopen to a similar crowd of students uninterested in venturing south of Riverside Avenue unless it involves class, booze or sex. Meanwhile, the secondary quad formed by the opening of North Hall will continue to make the area north of Riverside Avenue and south of Petty Road and Neely Avenue a logical center of campus. The B&N Cafe is prime real estate, and Dining should treat it that way.
Otherwise, it's Cafe Fruity and beyond.
Write to Dave atheydave@bewilderedsociety.com
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