[Writer's note: Jaded children across the country are struggling to make sense of their candy buckets this morning. What follows is one such example.]
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Makucuss,
I've got a bone to pick with you.
In my trick-or-treating travels last evening I was severely disappointed by the lack of thought and planning put into your 2007 Halloween. Of all my stops on the 1200 block of Crystal Springs Drive, your house left me feeling unsatisfied and, frankly, ripped off.
To that end, and in the interest of future.Halloween visits for children in the Westville Community Association, I feel it's my duty to bring some concerns to your attention.
First things first: I took time out of my busy Halloween schedule to stop by your residence and show off my elaborate, homemade Jimmy Neutron costume. What did you award me with?
Black-and-orange wrapped peanut butter junk.
In my eight years of trick-or-treating experience - only four of which I really remember - I've never been so insulted. You had so many options: Kit-Kats, Dum-Dums, Pop Rocks and Rice Krispie Treats - homemade, not that store-bought wannabe stuff - just to name a few. You picked that horrible tasting, stick-to-the-top-of-your-mouth gooey mush over decent treats.
"Boo" to you!
I enjoyed the giant chocolate candy bar last year. I munched on it well until Christmas, disregarding mother's lecture about tummy aches and rotten teeth. Those boxes of sugar sticks two years ago were to die for. I've yet to understand why the neighborhood association protested their distribution at the following month's board meeting. What are "cigarettes," anyway? And how do you go about making them in this delicious candy form? You must share that recipe with mom the next time you two have knitting club.
To add insult to sugar deprivation, let's talk decorations.
You're slipping.
Three years ago no one this side of the Wal-Mart could touch you. You had coffins, lights, skeletons and fog machines.
This year you've got three freaking pumpkins and only one is carved - and poorly at that. At what point did you think carving a triangle nose with two oval eyes was a good idea? The Thompsons, Smiths and Gillsons had multiple pumpkins with fancy designs like spiders, skulls and Spongebob. In fact, my mother was smiling about the work of that big brown house on the corner, saying something about a carving of the entire cast of "Grey's Anatomy." And you gave us a "googly face?" Shame on you. If you can't spend at least three hours carving a creative pumpkin than you shouldn't be carving at all. Just pack up the carving knives with the costumes and call it a season.
Speaking of costumes, where were yours? You dress up your cat, Cocoa, with some cutesy, fuzzy-wuzzy animal outfit but couldn't spend 20 minutes thinking of your own presentation. You think she was happy? Surely not. I heard from my parents what she did to your furniture, both times. You deserved it. You two throw on "Happy Halloween" sweaters and call it a night - that's child's play in my coloring book.
The entire left side of Foggy Bottom Lane greeted me in costume at each residence. At one point I was met by this disheveled teenage girl who had an excellent babysitter costume. A boy came to the door with her as well, claiming to be her "trojan boyfriend." How crafty! They even played in character, telling us to "Mind your own business, kids," after my friend Mikey asked if they were "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" inside. Mother said I shouldn't have ignored the turned-off porch light, but I thought their act was well worth the trip.
Recess is almost over, so I must close this letter. In short, the other neighbors are dominating your turf. Shape up for next Halloween or my friends and I will be forced to take our "adorable" costumes to the addition with all the doctors. I heard they give dollar bills.
Yours in haunting,
Dave
Write to Dave at heydave@bewilderedsociety.com
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