As another semester draws mercifully closer to completion, I tend to have moments of reflection on everything I've learned in the past four months. The time flies by so quickly, you almost have to take a second or dos to really grasp all of the knowledge that's been crammed into your brain.
Not all of this wisdom has been school related. For instance, I recently found out that black females don't like to be called "nappy-headed hos." Who knew? Quick side note: Not to defend Don Imus, because what he did was indefensible, but the Rutgers team sort of blew things out of proportion. Yes, it was a massively idiotic comment on Imus' part, but they acted as if he killed two of their teammates and caused them to lose the national championship. Get a grip on things.
But there's one non-school related thing that I've never been able to figure out until recently. It's one question that's troubled me for the past four or five years and has haunted my subconscious on drunken evenings.
Why is buying condoms an incredibly embarrassing and awkward situation for guys?
According to an unofficial survey done by myself, it's also embarrassing for women, but it makes sense for it to be weird for them. Women don't walk around like men do and beat their chest about who they're sleeping with. Sex has always been a proud moment for guys.
Then why is buying condoms, the very definition of saying, "look at me, I'm getting ready to get laid," embarrassing? Well, I think I've figured it out.
Because every time we grab that pack of Trojans and walk up to the counter, it seems like we always get the 55-year-old lady checking us out (figuratively and literally) while ringing up our order.
She's looking at you, holding that pack of Jimmy caps, and it feels like she's undressing you with her eyes; it's almost as if she's picturing you having sex. And I don't care who you are, that's just very uncomfortable, because it's like she's thinking, "Hmmmm, good thing you're buying those because I made the mistake of not buying them 38 years ago and that's why I'm working at Meijer."
So as a guy, to prevent this creepy feeling, we pick up a magazine and sort of roll up the pack of mushroom raincoats in it. But we never get a magazine that's pertinent to a night of sexual things like FHM or Maxim.
No, we always decide to go with Time or Newsweek.
Why? This just makes things more awkward because it's like you're saying, "Nothing gets me ready for a night of sexual endeavors like peace talks in the Middle East and an interview with Dick Cheney."
It doesn't stop at the grocery store , either. Guys will make up a fake illness just to have an excuse to go to the Health Center to grab a handful of free condoms. Why can't we just walk in there and ask, "Could you direct me toward your fish bowl of free condoms?"
Come on guys, let's stop making condom buying a weird experience. We proudly and openly discuss the chick that we're "nailing." Purchasing condoms is essentially an extension of that, like an unspoken way of telling the world that we're "nailing" a chick.
Guys, the next time you're at Wal-Mart, Meijer or the local gas station, walk in there with your head held high, and with your condoms in hand, slap them on the counter and proclaim, "Yes, I will be having sex tonight, thank you, now stop picturing me naked you dirty, dirty check-out person."
Write to Ryan atbsurjsmith@gmail.com
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