It's been two weeks since Pluto was kicked out of the solar system.
I should say voted out, since it was a group of scientists who eventually came to the consensus that Pluto no longer was able to hack it as a planet.
It kind of makes sense when you look at it in the context of today's reality show-obsessed culture. Americans love reality television. That's why I don't understand why this whole Pluto situation wasn't a bigger deal. It was like a reality show, except for that it was actually real.
Pluto, the ninth planet, was actually voted off the island we call our solar system. It's planetary elitism. Who needs reality television when we actually have real-life drama of this caliber going on?
They should have turned that conference into a reality show and aired it on FOX. Tagline: "Nine planets. Which one of them is going home empty-handed? Find out this week on International Astronomical Union." That would have been great, and I bet a lot more people would have been enthusiastic about this historic verdict.
Nobody really seemed to care, and this was the biggest astronomical decision since 1930, when Pluto became a planet.
So I guess the question is: who's next?
If we're voting planets out of the solar system, why stop with one? Let's keep going. Mercury is the next smallest, so it seems like the easiest target. But if we look at this with reality-show mentality, voting Mercury out might not be a wise decision. We need to strategize and form an alliance. We'll form the terrestrial planet union; the members will be Mars, Venus and us. If we're lucky, Jupiter will join. A member of that magnitude would make Uranus nervous. Our union will strategically vote out the major players, like Neptune and Saturn, until we eventually have to vote off one of our own during the cliffhanger episode sometime around sweeps week.
And while we're voting things out, why should we stop with the planets?
There's so many things out there that we can redefine and impeach.
Let's start with the continents. Antarctica- you're out. I'll write the continental rule: You do not get to be a continent if you do not have a population, and no, penguins do not count. Until Antarctica serves some sort of useful, practical purpose in the world scene or at least gains an indigenous people, it should not be allowed to be a continent.
Next on the slate: states. I vote we get rid of Wisconsin. Honestly, can we really condone a state whose only major contributions to society over the past fifty years have been Joseph McCarthy, fried cheese and Brett Favre? I think not. So I'm invoking a rule that states: If the best thing your state can come up with to put on their state quarter is a disembodied cow's head and a cheese wheel, you have failed as a state.
The point that I'm trying to make is that declaring Pluto no longer a planet seemed kind of silly and arbitrary. It's still out there, what does it matter if it's technically a planet or not?
But don't feel too bad for Pluto, and certainly don't call it washed up. I hear that it's in talks to land a spot on next season's Dancing with the Stars and Former Planets.
Paul Metz is a graduate student and wrote this 'Support Your Local Cynic' for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper.
Write to Paul at pjmetz@bsu.edu.
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