Two days ago, I became an uncle for the first time when 7 pound, 8 ounce Benjamin Douglas Farley was brought into this world.
To celebrate this event, I wanted to do something original. Something noteworthy.
High-fiving the mom and dad seemed like too little, and throwing a kegger for the family in a hospital bedroom seemed inappropriate.
There had to be a happy middle ground.
Stumped on how to properly show my happiness, I turned to fans of the No. 1 football team in the nation - the Ohio State Buckeyes - for inspiration. They had just beaten the then second ranked Texas Longhorns the night before. They'd have a proper way for me to show my excitement.
Surely enough, they did, so I adopted it myself and completely mimicked their actions - setting objects ablaze in the street while completely wasted on alcohol and excitement.
The night and early morning after their victory, there were 40 fires reported on Ohio State's campus. Mattresses, couches and trash cans were all lit up, with one of the trash fires spreading to two nearby two cars.
Wooh!
Go team!
Wow, what a safe and intelligent way to show your enthusiasm! Man, this could definitely work for me if it works for students and fans of the No. 1 football school in the nation.
Setting Ben's crib on fire and throwing it out in the street while completely hammered was probably the only way to properly celebrate.
While spending the night in lockup, I had a long time to think about this form of celebration. If arson could work for football celebrations and the birth of a child, why not in other facets in life?
So on Monday, after scoring my first ever 'A' on an InQsit test, I threw some lighter fluid on the computers in Robert Bell and lit a match. The people next to me weren't too thrilled about the heat and flame, not to mention it was completely unsafe, but hey, it's celebration time!
Wooh!
Go me!
Then, on Wednesday, I won the NBA Championship with the Indiana Pacers on NBA 2K6 (screw you NBA Live) and promptly set my TV on fire in the middle of Riverside Avenue. I added in my refrigerator, TV stand, computer desk and the neighbor's La-Z-Boy for good measure.
Then, on Friday, I - O.K. - it's truth time.
None of the above transpired, except the new baby and the debacle of a "celebration" on Ohio State's campus.
But you can see how ridiculous setting fires to celebrate sounds.
I mean, Ohio State is a big campus, and the were isolated incidents, but 40 of them!? Not only did they light fires, three people, one of whom was the vice president of student affairs, were also hit by a car.
I'm all for excessive celebration by fans, but arson and vehicular assault? Come on, there are plenty of better, rational ways to celebrate.
Why am I telling you this?
When our football team beats Michigan and wins the MAC title this year, I don't want anyone burning down my apartment or running over Charlie Cardinal.
O.K., it's truth time again. The above probably won't happen either, but I'm just trying to light a fire under the team.
Figuratively speaking, anyway.
Ryan Smith is a senior journalism major and writes 'Don't Take This Too Seriously' for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper.
Write to Ryan at rjsmith@bsu.edu.
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