I had no intention of writing about politics ... ever.
There is a special section of the brain - scientists have come to refer to it as the "auto pilot gland" - that is specifically designed to kick in during moments of extreme boredom.
It is an instinctual survival mechanism that allows adult humans to appear lucid and attentive throughout the length of bland social exchanges. In actuality, however, every word of the unbearably impotent conversation is completely circumnavigating the head as if being protected by an invisible force-field - allowing the human to continue thinking of things that interest him ... such as explosions and pizza.
For example, let's say you're meandering about a friendly cocktail party and, unbeknownst to you, you happen to cross paths with the just-got-back-from-a-study-abroad-semester-and-can't-stop-relating-every-nuance-of-minutia-to-something-that-happened-to-me-in-England guy at the party.
England Guy: "Say, these kabobs are great. Did I mention I just got back from England? You wanna know what they call these babies across the pond?"
Now, because your brain has instinctively kicked into auto-pilot, you are now able to feign interest with a socially acceptable answer:
"Do I ever!" you say, while saving your genuine attention on a private thought that actually interests you:
"I wonder what kind of explosion an oil tanker would make if it collided with a truckload of Domino's pizzas ... if there were enough pizzas in there, would it be able to put the fire out? Cheese isn't flammable, is it? Well, I suppose if it were covered in oil."
Why do humans develop auto-pilot? Well, the answer is simple: Boredom induces a disparity within the semi-circular canals. The semi-circular canals are located, appropriately, inside the ears and have a great deal to do with controlling balance and coordination. This is why children, who have not yet developed efficient autopilot triggers, will slowly but surely begin to slump lower and lower - eventually making contact with and even resort to laying on the floor - if they find themselves trapped within the proximity of an adult conversation that does not interest them.
However, upon years of motherly insistence to "get off the floor! You're ruining your nice pants! Are you crazy?" we eventually learn the much more mature, grown-up skill of standing and not paying attention at the same time.
That being said, there's a reason I thought I would never write about politics: They bore me. They always have. Circumstances that trigger one's auto pilot vary from individual to individual. For me, the subjects are almost solely limited to politics, gardening and anything having to do with people who wear cowboy hats.
There are, however, a few key words which, if spoken audibly, will automatically dismantle anyone's force-field. "Sex" of course, is a big one. "Ted Nugent" will often perk me up. And then there is always the one that broke through today: "Hunger strike." Saddam Hussein's hunger strike, to be more precise. Well, guess what ladies and gentlemen, when Hussein decides to announce a hunger strike. He crosses the threshold of "boring political figures" into my world: "Stupid people to make fun of."
Hussein and seven of his lawyers have announced they are going on a hunger strike. Why? Because extremists keep killing his attorneys.
Let me rephrase that in a way that places more emphasis on its stupidity: Hussein and his lawyers have gotten so upset with murderous extremists slowly killing them off that they have decided to slowly kill themselves.
Now say what you want about the war in Iraq, but I think we can all agree that Hussein is a pretty evil dude. So an evil dude and seven lawyers are going to starve themselves to death?
Hey Hussein, you know what we call your un-eaten kabob in America?
Good News.
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
