Your iPod can kill you.
And no, I'm not just referencing the brain-rupturing aneurism that could stem from cramming it full of Ashlee Simpson songs and pushing "repeat."
That would be suicide.
No, I'm talking manslaughter - the unlawful killing of a human being without express or implied malice.
Lofty accusation, you say? Well, I don't want to sound like a cynical madman or anything, but we all know eventually the entire human race will be wiped out by an army of evil robots who have learned to think for themselves.
iPods are simply the first manifestation of an ominous technological fate that looms over us all.
You need proof? I understand. And, believe me, you'll get it.
But first, we need to discuss a recent and unwelcome phenomenon occurring around campus: A seemingly high number of pedestrians appear to be getting hit by cars while crossing the street. This is only the sixth week of the semester, after all, and I've already witnessed the unfortunate sight of ambulances lining campus roads to care for injured pedestrians on three occasions.
We all hope these students are okay now, but the fact that this seems to be a trend concerns me. I mean, if there is one thing that links us all together as college students, it is the vast amount of jaywalking that we do on any given day. So much so, in fact, that if we were all properly fined and ticketed for our collective breach of the petty crime, the University Police Department would have enough money to re-overhaul McKinley Avenue by the end of the week.
My point, however, is that we are pros. No one graduates from Ball State University without a minor in Jaywalking.
So what is the cause of the high number of accidents?
Many would be inclined to point fingers at the new construction of McKinley. With the street's high curbs for protecting the landscaping and its split-lane design which instantly doubles the amount of jaywalking one has to do to get from one side to the other, there is certainly a case to be made for this school of thought.
But, from my personal experience, there is only a slight learning curve required to master the new layout, and a campus full of seasoned jaywalkers such as ourselves should have minimal problems getting the hang of it. So what else is left to blame?
How about the doomsday machine you have strapped to your head in the form of trendy white earphones?
Something happens to people when they are listening to iPods. We've all seen the commercial: a colorful backdrop, a clearly visible iPod and the blank silhouette of some poor schmuck who is attached to it and dancing away in a fit of gyrating spasms like he's choking on a taser gun.
That's no ad, ladies and gentlemen. That's the truth. Your body may be walking to Econ class, but your mind is a blank silhouette doing the mashed potato in a disco tech, like it's the only way to convince the world that you are truly not a hollaback girl. The next thing you know, you're getting up close and personal with the front end of a Toyota.
So be careful.
There's a big difference between catching yourself walking in synch to a hot beat farting its way out of the woofers of some guy's trunk and the euphoric trance you find yourself in because you were able to download the theme song from "Salute Your Shorts" onto your car magnet this morning.
Don't get so carried away that you forget to look both ways before you cross the street. After all, we're going to need you around if we're ever going to beat that robot army.
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