Tiger Woods would need more than a green jacket to play with the golfers on the Arctic island of Svalbard this week. According to BBC News, Norway is holding the sixth annual world ice golf championship.
Where do I start?
First, are there enough ice golfers in the world to warrant a world championship and, if so, why?
I'm all about extreme sports, and I respect the athletes who participate in them, but why would anyone want to compete professionally in a sport where rifles are mandatory in case of polar bear attacks?
It's hard enough to concentrate on putting on the 18th green during a sunny day in April, let alone in the darkness of the frigid Arctic Circle with the possible risk of snow blindness. How do you even train for that?
That's right, among the mandatory equipment required for ice golf, competitors must wear special colored goggles to guard against the rapid burning of their corneas.
According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, snow blindness occurs when an individual is exposed to ultraviolet radiation reflected off snow at high altitudes, ultimately burning the cornea.
That's insane.
All golfers must wear thermal suits, which make them look comparable to Ralphy's brother, Randy, in "A Christmas Story," when his mother bundles him up so thick he can't put his arms down. How do you putt like that?
Temperatures drop to -30 degrees Celsius during the tournament, not including wind chill.
Players are encouraged to use clubs with steel shafts, because graphite tends to shatter at extreme temperatures. It shatters. A material found in igneous rocks and inside iron meteorites shatters at temperatures in which these people find appropriate for golfing. What's par, I wonder.
Armed guards are present at all times during the tournament, not because of the threat of terrorist attacks, but because of the "very real risk" of polar bear attacks, according to the BBC. This part of Norway is the only place in the country where firearms are allowed, because polar bears are so prevalent. There has to be an equally miserable frozen wasteland somewhere a little further from the polar bear capital of the world. This would make such a great event! The golfers don't have enough to worry about, so we'll present them with the threat of being attacked and then eaten.
I'm not sure if The Golf Channel is planning to cover this obscure event, but it might make golf more interesting to non-golf enthusiasts. I wonder if the PGA has looked into booking the Norwegian Spitzbergen Archipelago for the next Master's.
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