Back in the old days, Valentine's Day didn't discriminate against single people, whether it means to now or not.
According to numerous sources, the holiday, known to the ancient Romans as Lupercalia (named after the god Lupercus), was celebrated by throwing all of the young women's names into a box and having all the young men draw names. The matched couples would be considered partners for the year, which began in March.
Such a practice is unlikely to catch on in modern times, when this day is marked by hearts, chocolates, flowers and those horribly annoying Kay Jewelers commercials, reminding guys that "every kiss begins" by spending upwards of $100 on Kay's baubles.
So here's an alternative idea. A friend of mine recently told me that he was going to "girlcott" Valentine's Day. (It's like the word "boycott" but reversed. Let the chuckles begin.) For the millions of single people out there who need no reminders that they will be sitting in their room doing homework, this is a great idea. So if you wish to join me, let us 'girlcott' Valentine's Day.
Instead of asking out the next girl you see in desperate hope of having a date for this holiday, let's devote the day to harassing all of the schlubs who have to spend money on their significant others or risk denting the relationship. I must issue a disclaimer at this point...I cannot take responsibility for any physical confrontations that come from my suggestions.
At any point, if you see a friend of yours who you know has a boyfriend or girlfriend, ask them how much money they are spending that day. There's a significant chance you will get a rant for an answer.
If you have something fun planned for the evening, call your buddies who have to go on dates and brag about it. Repeat as many times as you like, or until you are threatened with physical violence.
If you are accused of being jealous because you don't have someone to spend the day with, pretend to be extremely hurt by the comment until you get an apology, then burst out laughing and say that you could not care less.
Invent some insanely romantic story of what your roommate has planned for his girlfriend and tell it to her. Whatever your roommate actually has planned will probably pale in comparison. This is recommended only for the courageous.
However, if you really are desperate for a valentine --- or you just want to have some more fun --- then stake out a spot by the doors of all-female Woodworth Complex dressed in some ridiculous getup and ask every girl who walks by if they will be your valentine. Worst-case scenario is that you get some laughs out of it.
Valentine's Day has evolved --- or shall we say, devolved --- into another holiday that greeting-card companies, jewelry companies and their ilk have turned into another reason to spend money. So let's all take a page out of my friend's book and, for just one year, ignore this "Hallmark holiday," as many frustrated singles derisively call it.
And, hey, if all else fails, petition the Ball State brass to do a re-enactment of the old Roman festival where everyone was guaranteed a partner. It's worth a shot, right?
Write to Andy at ndistops@hotmail.com
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