Did somebody tell you that people were sane? No, people are not sane. People are not sensible or rational creatures. Logic, common sense and reason are just red herrings. People are absolutely, completely and unquestionably insane. Examples:
Durango, Colo. Two girls who went through their neighborhood one evening delivering baked goods and paper hearts, and they were ordered to pay just short of $900 in medical bills for a woman who says she was so startled by the delivery that she was forced to go to the hospital.
London. A plan by a member of PETA to sell off a section of skin on her arm containing a lizard tattoo was shut down by eBay UK, the service she was attempting to use. The woman had been offering it as an attempt to draw attention to the plight of skinned animals, describing it as 'weathered,' 'waterproof' and 'suitable for making into a wallet or watch strap.' The online auction house defined the section of skin as 'human remains' and removed it from their listings.
Berlin. Berlin police rejected accusations on Wednesday that their fast, high-powered cars negatively affected their driving, despite having caused nearly 400 collisions, including 21 vehicles totaled, in two years.
Durham, N.C. A police raid in Duke University turned up 200 noisy students, many of whom were bikini-clad women, who had been wrestling in a plastic pool of baby oil in the basement of a fraternity house. The stunt was apparently inspired by a scene from the movie "Old School."
According to the Las Vegas Sun, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency has begun phasing in a little-publicized policy ending all walk-in traffic. Eventually all immigration offices--to improve efficiency--will only do business by appointments over the Internet. No Internet, no luck.
Bordentown, N. J. A man performing a field sobriety test along Route 130 was killed when a tractor-trailer driver--who police said had probably been drinking--lost control of the vehicle and crashed into him.
Miami, Fla. A local grocery store reported a particularly large deposit of nickels in one of their coin machines, leading police to track down and arrest four men implicated in the theft of a U.S. Federal Reserve shipment. The theft involved 896,000 stolen nickels, or $44,800. The total weight of the nickels was around 20 tons.
Raleigh, N. C. Military officials have demoted a female member of a National Guard military police unit for indecent exposure, following a mud-wrestling party at the Camp Bucca detention center in Iraq.
Middletown, Ohio. The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week, following an attempt to inject some humor into the city income tax filing instructions. The forms contained such lines as: "Free Advice. If you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."
Lake Jackson, Texas. A woman has been indicted on negligent homicide charges for allegedly giving her husband a sherry enema that killed him. The man, 57, died after his blood alcohol level reached an extremely dangerous .47. The man, apparently, was an alcoholic who could no longer imbibe alcohol due to ulcers and heartburn.
These are your fellow humans, folks. And they're out there. Right now. Waiting to run into you. They're insane. We already know that. It is YOUR job to be sane, if not to prevent the situation, then at least to give an accurate explanation of how it came about for the amusement of everyone else.
You've been warned.
Write to Jonathan at tenement_cellar@msn.com
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
