My most recent outrageous discovery was a warning label attached to a hair dryer I noticed while browsing around Wal-mart. The label said, "Do not use while sleeping."
I couldn't help but laugh, and then reread the label to ensure the accuracy of the message. What the heck? Not only would I not be able to function a hair dryer in my sleep, but it is utterly impossible to sleep through the loud noise that echoes through one of those.
The label sparked a memory from last Halloween when I was sifting through kids' costumes with a friend. I pulled out a Batman costume equipped with a cape and toolbelt, and I joked about squeezing into the tiny outfit. A large red tag caught my attention; it was attached to the cape, and said, "Warning: Cape does not enable user to fly." Coincidentally enough, the Superman and Harry Potter costumes had similar warnings attached.
What is the world coming to that such warnings have to be provided to consumers? The part that really gets me is knowing that companies wouldn't have to provide products with such labels unless someone actually complained about it. Maybe someone was disappointed with the results of a hair dryer when using it while sleeping... who knows?
One of the funniest labels I've encountered was on a bottle of 7UP. It read, "Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially when opening."
Beverage labels have always seemed a little unnecessary to me, especially when warnings such as "Always Keep Upright" are printed on the bottom.
Since seeing the hair dryer warning label, I've been compulsively checking all sorts of labels. I found on an iron that says, "Never iron clothes on the body." It's remarkable to think that someone probably actually did that, and then sued the iron company for a lump sum of money.
Years ago, a similar story happened with a woman who was drinking coffee at McDonald's and burned herself. Then she received millions of dollars after a lawsuit left the fast food chain with warning labels on their coffee cups reading "Warning: contents may be hot." Had the coffee been cold, she probably would have started a riot about that too. There's just no pleasing some people, especially those who have to be warned about coffee being hot.
Another funny label I managed to stumble across was on a can of easy cheese. It said, "For best results, remove cap." I don't understand why such labels are necessary. Honestly, who would forget to remove the cap? My dad showed me one on a canister of peanuts he was eating a few months ago that said, "Warning: product contains nuts." I didn't know just what to say. That would be like buying a box of Kleenex with a warning label reading, "Warning: product contains tissues." To me, ignorant labels are not necessary.
Possibly the funniest warning label I have ever encountered was on a chainsaw. I was wandering around a hardware store with my dad trying to keep from dying of boredom. A large sticker on the side of the chainsaw box caught my attention and made me almost fall over laughing. It said, "Warning, do not attempt to stop chainsaw with hands." I wondered who the idiot was that made it necessary to put that warning on the box.
My mom once told me to appreciate the humor in every one of life's situations. I have taken her advice into consideration and have kept those little bits of advice with me. Even the unnecessary warning labels.
Write to Whitney at wlhoyt@bsu.edu
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