What could make this week more of a downer than the Colt's annual choke and early exit from the playoffs?
If you said the new season of "American Idol" beginning, you're partially right.
The answer I was looking for is the inauguration of the 44th President, George Walker Texas Ranger Bush.
Dubya will be sworn in at noon today, the time when Amendment 20 of the U.S. Constitution states a presidential term expires.
The $40 million ceremony, however, will be run much differently than those in the past. Due to the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, security beefed up more than Barry Bonds -- to the tune of $17.3 million.
For the first time in history, a high-tech command center housing 50 state, local and federal agencies in northern Virginia will use 120 workstations to monitor cameras watching Washington D.C.'s streets, keep track of aerial surveillance planes, check sensors scanning for evidence of biological or chemical agents, juice oranges and can be yours for only $19.99!
To illustrate the "safety" silliness further, man hole covers are being welded down around the parade route, but not before Bush's cabinet is allowed out first.
New security measures also mean a new list of prohibited items, some a little more interesting than others.
Obviously firearms and ammunition of any kind are not allowed, except for NRA members because it's their right as American citizens to be as legally dangerous as possible ... err, to own a gun.
Explosives of any kind, including fireworks, are prohibited. Fireworks should be used strictly for celebrations, anyway. Better keep that Chihuahua at home as well, Ms. Hilton, because pets are also banned from the event.
Animals used to assist disabled people are the only ones allowed, meaning Bush will still be able to bring the monkey who writes his speeches.
Strollers are also not allowed in the event, meaning Dick Cheney will have to come prepared with his own diapers this time and not rely on others.
Don't bring alcohol either, as the only way for Democrats in attendance to enjoy the event will be taken away from them. News quickly reached our Michigan friend John Green, who said he would have to find another beverage to entice a brawl between Republicans and Democrats.
Surely offending the Scissorhand family, no sharp object of any kind will be permitted. They were prepared to protest at the inauguration itself, but posters have also been outlawed.
Rumors speculate inappropriate signs from protesters, but sources say Republicans in attendance complained about the heavy reading during 2001's inauguration.
Other items banned include pocket or hand tools such as a Swiss army knife, backpacks, duffel bags, suitcases, thermoses, sticks or poles.
Ridiculous is the theme here, folks. Outlandish. Eccentric. Unnecessary. Take your pick. Not just the security measures, but the entire glorified shindig.
Past Presidents have served food to small gatherings at the White House to celebrate their inauguration, showing that a huge party isn't needed and the money donated for this could easily have gone somewhere else.
Seeing money not well spent is such a bummer.
Donations could have easily been made to things that matter, such as paying off every NHL player to restart the league, funding a research program to determine what that disgusting smell is in the Robert Bell Building hallways or buying the Patriots defense for the Colts.
Write to Ryan at rjsmith@bsu.edu
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