To me, the definition of time management is "managing to do nothing with my time."
If you could see me, you would marvel at the time I waste. All I need is something to do and a bunch of time, and I can waste hours.
I am the envy of all the kids on my block. Every day, the children roll up on their bikes and Big Wheels, and they watch through the windows as I sit, doing nothing productive.
How they stare at me, and how I laugh to myself, knowing I am the Time Wasting Funk Master. I am in the hizzle, and I am doing nizzle.
By organizing my CD collection, playing on the Internet and watching television (viewing increases relative to increased workload), I can burn an entire day doing nothing worthwhile.
Many would consider this a curse, but I rebuff these naysayers, knowing I am gifted.
But this isn't just about me. You too can learn how to waste time.
As the year winds down, finals week approaches. There is no better opportunity to waste time than now. Take my advice and let your life be as unproductive as mine.
For this exercise, we will assume that you have work you can be doing. Currently, research papers, thesis requirements, comprehensive exams and final projects are all the rage.
To these feeble challenges I say, "Waste the day!" Everyone, together: "Waste the day!"
(For those whose first language is not English, just say something random in your native language. We'll never know.)
Lest we leave people out, let us acknowledge that you do not need to be a student to waste time. Students are by far the best at doing nothing, but check out the rest of campus.
Administrators spend time doing administrative things such as "facilitating," "articulating" and "gesticulating." Clearly, there's time to kill.
Faculty members are also adept at doing nothing. When teachers take months to return papers and chalk the delay up to being "busy," you've found a time-waster.
Busy doing what, you ask? Why, busy doing nothing. Hurrah!
Even President Bush is good at this. He's spent 40 percent of his presidency on vacation (no joke, but hilarious). I admire him for this prolific waste of time.
Let us look closer at the concept of doing nothing.
First you must convince yourself that you can get all of your work done in record time. For example, you must believe that the typical final project takes about 15 minutes to complete.
In addition, convince yourself that the typical final exam requires roughly 30 minutes of study time, and studying at any point other than immediately prior to an exam is foolish.
Theses and dissertations (for those grad students out there) can be completed in one night. Regime changes can happen in a year. Believe me. I would not lie to you.
Once you believe your time is free, you can do whatever. Watch baseball, play on the Internet, chill at the ranch -- even take up quilting.
Yes, I said quilting. Don't knock quilting, man. I mean, not that I've quilted, because I haven't. But if I did, would that be so wrong?
Don't believe you can waste time? Consider this: You've read this far.
Stick with me, folks, and we won't go places.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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