I have a confession to make. It is something that I was fine with for a long time, but recently, it has started to get to me. I guess it is just best if I come out into the open.
I'm in love with an outlaw.
People keep telling me how wrong it is, but I can't help myself.
My outlaw and subject of my undying affection? Carbohydrates.
That's right. I'm obsessed with carbs in all their starchy glory.
I have to be honest, I've eaten them my entire life, but it isn't totally my fault.
There was a time, way back in elementary school, that I remember learning about the food pyramid. The base of that wondrous triangle of nutrition, to the best of my recollection, is carbohydrates. My classmates and I were told to eat six to 11 servings of these addictive foods a day so that we could grow up to be nice and strong.
We believed all the hype and ate breadsticks and other carb-rich foods until our little preadolescent bellies were full to the brim. Our parents and teachers praised us for being "healthy" and eating a balanced diet. We thought we were doing good and helping our bodies be the best they could possibly be.
Apparently, we were all wrong.
Dr. Atkins and others have exposed carbohydrates for what they really are: evil temptresses.
They corrupt the body and cause us to gain weight. They get in the way of fat, a.k.a. "the good food," and don't allow the body to burn it off first so the fat is forced to form deposits in our body that make us look lumpy.
Despite these horrible offenses against humanity, I still find myself drawn to carbohydrates in all their wonderful forms.
Red beans and rice, sandwiches, pizza, waffles and, last but most certainly not least, cake. I love them all.
Many people have been able to kick the carb habit lately thanks to the Atkins Diet and other similar "miracle cure" eating plans. Those people are the lucky ones.
Unfortunately, I fear I won't be able to join them in their splendid carbohydrate-free utopia.
I've fallen so far down into the dark abyss of addiction that there seems to be no possible way for me to claw myself out of this self-made prison.
Even if I somehow convince myself to really try to break free by going off carbs, I can't do it cold turkey ... literally. See, I'm a vegetarian, so meat, a staple of a no/low-carb diet, is not an option for me.
There's no hope for me, gang. Just go on without me. Enjoy your healthy lives away from cruel yet delicious carbs.
I will just continue to poison myself with pasta and pie.
Write to Cole at cpmcgrath@bsu.edu
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