Those opposing homosexuality often say the same thing: "I don't mind that they're gay. It's just when they act on their gay urges."
See, the opposition doesn't have a problem with how homosexuals wear hair gel or dress nicely or project an outward appearance of anything considered quintessentially gay.
Fashion, interior design -- those gay people have real purpose.
Gay people are so funny, too. Sure, many people believe all gay people are going to Hell, but while those gay people are here on Earth, they sure are entertaining.
Boy, that "Will and Grace" is funny. Rosie O'Donnell is a darling. The star power of Rock Hudson or James Dean or Freddie Mercury can't be questioned.
See? America accepts gay people -- look at our gay celebrities!
The problem is when gay people have gay sex. The opposition hates the gay sex. They don't even want to think about the gay sex. "Can't you just have normal sex?" they ask.
Gay people can be gay, as long as they don't act on their gay urges by having gay sex with other gay people in a gay setting, probably listening to gay music by gay musicians like that gay guy Rufus Wainwright, or perhaps that lesbian woman, Melissa Etheridge, or the Indigo Girls (one of who isn't actually a lesbian, and a good thing, because America isn't ready for a lesbian duo that might be having lesbian sex backstage).
Yes, the idea troubles the opposition, as gay people are whiling away the gay night having the gay sex that millions of closeted gay Americans wish they could have if innocent but gay Americans weren't scorned, ridiculed and persecuted by their pro-gay-but-anti-gay-sex countrymen in this, our free country.
But they can still be gay.
So, gay readers, instead of acting on your gay urges by having gay sex, simply be gay, but lead a heterosexual life with a heterosexual partner, having heterosexual sex in a heterosexual setting. Do that, and there's no problem.
Imagine, you and a heterosexual partner entwined in a heterosexual position, while heterosexual musicians like Toby Keith play softly in the background, singing songs about the greatness of America: a land where we're all so friggin' free.
When you're done with your awkward heterosexual sex, be sure to pray to Jesus and thank him for giving you the strength to overcome your gay urges and carry on a "normal" heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual partner.
Men, when you're done praying, turn up Toby Keith and try not to stare at his jheri-curled mullet, how sexy it is, shimmering with water...those biceps...that swanky guitar...and that alpha-male persona that screams "pitcher."
Stop yourself! Suppress the gay urges! Think about baseball!
Run to your heterosexual partner and hold that person in the night, rocking gently, humming "So Happy Together" and wishing you lived in a country that accommodated every one of its citizens rather than a majority of them.
Perish the thought. You're better off spending the rest of your life fighting how you were designed and trying desperately to be accepted by your countrymen.
Then, when you've finally buried your true self and blended in with the flock, the opposition will accept you for what you are.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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