Because three master's degrees can't get me into a Ph.D. program (any information why would be welcome), I've resorted to The Job Hunt-¬.
Ominous, what with those capital letters, huh? That copyright makes the concept more threatening (and keeps other writers from stealing my joke).
Have no fear, my literate children. The Job-Hunting Funk Master-¬ is in the hizzle.
Take it from a guy who's been in college off and on since 1993, and has never made more than $17,000 in a year: The Job Hunt-¬ can make a whimpering crybaby of you.
If you're not careful, you'll have moments of self-doubt, like at 4:30 a.m. on a Sunday when, at age 29, you're writing for a college newspaper.
Maybe when you're 26, you'll be living in Chicago, and you'll send 90 r+â-¬sum+â-¬s all over the city and only hear from a bookstore.
Maybe when you're graduating, you'll have no idea what to do, until the voices in your head say more school is a good idea. (Do not listen to these voices.)
Regardless, you might curse the murky concept of a Real Job-¬, which taunts you while you appear destined to entry-level positions at Staples, Blockbuster, Target and Taco Bell simultaneously, forever, no matter how much education you have, college boy.
You'll look in the mirror and see yourself, because that's how mirrors work, and you'll ask, "What, oh handsome reflection, am I going to do?"
With unkempt hair and a haggard face, your reflection will look back at you, and if you're lucky, will not start moving on its own and talking like a demon.
Hey, why are you talking to a mirror? Get a job!
Time is short. Life is in flux, relationships are unstable, and you can't even sign a lease without knowing where you'll be in six months. This sucks. Fix this.
Start by looking at job listings online or in newspapers, where nearly every posting calls for at least two years of experience doing that very job.
This makes job-hunting difficult. Essentially, you can't get a job unless you already do that job or have done that job for most of your adult life. No one said this makes sense.
The Job Hunt-¬ is not college graduate-friendly. You might see the bleakness of the situation right around the time you're clocking in at Walmart.
Always be on the lookout for opportunities, though. Anyone who says they aren't looking for a job is lying, making a mistake or really lucky.
You have friends, theoretically. Those friends have friends. Those friends have friends who have friends who work in cool places where you don't have to wear a paper hat.
So network. Make the most of those folks you know. Qualifications go a long way, but the sad truth is that nepotism tends to go further. So play the game. Everyone else does.
Be prepared to walk through fire for the job you know you deserve, because every other applicant is as desperate as you.
No one said this was easy, but hope exists. This is no time to quit. This is no time to be overly picky. If you can, find something close to what you want, and then try to get closer later.
Or you could just get a fourth master's degree.
Not really.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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