It's coming.
The largest Freudian symbol since the Shafer Tower will arrive on campus April 23. For one night, the skyline of Ball State University will be transformed. Excluding Muncie Mardi Gras and perhaps the series finale to "My Big, Fat Obnoxious Fianc+â-¬e," the 23rd day of April promises to be the greatest single day in the history of Middletown, USA. Let the celebration begin.
Ladies and gentlemen, for one day only, Ball State University is getting a Ferris wheel.
Whoa.
The University Programming Board, which provides freshman with lots of coloring books and other things to do before they stumble upon alcohol, has saved a whopping $20,000 to throw us an end-of-the-year carnival. There will be games, live music, maybe a dunk tank (did they mean "drunk tank?") and a giant spinning wheel that people sit on.
Skeptics of UPB and the way Ball State spends its money have been crying foul. They wonder why tuition is rising and parking tickets are so outrageous when Ball State can somehow afford a Ferris wheel. I urge those skeptics to quiet their minds and make peace in their hearts.
Let this Ferris wheel, which we are about to receive, be a blessing on our campus. Allow its visit to our humble village be a boon to our spirits. Let us all wipe our boogers under its seats and makeout at the top together in harmony.
Let go of the harsh realities of this world, and the Ferris wheel will solve everything, if just for one night. One magical ride and all will be right in the world.
When you get on that Ferris wheel, Muncie will become a thriving town. It will support its struggling music scene and provide an independent film outlet. Poets and artists will be celebrated; a statue will be erected in honor of Harlan Ellison. The streets will be made of gold.
If you ride that Ferris wheel, all personal problems will vanquish. Your parents will stop spoiling you and allow you to take care of yourself. Magically, you will begin to care about bettering your mind. The economy will right itself just in time for graduates to find a job. Those cute little spots on your crotch will clear right up, I guarantee it.
Once we get that wheel spinning, that whole nasty McNamara-esque mess in Iraq will straighten out. Haiti, too. The Ferris wheel will make us all so happy and gay that same-sex oriented peoples will be magically granted the same right to pursue happiness that the rest of us heteros enjoy.
The Ferris wheel is a pursuit of happiness in itself. There is wonder-working power found within the gears of its carnie-maintained machinery. Prepare for the ride of your life.
Because once you step off that Ferris wheel and back onto McKinley Avenue, you will leave Never Never Land and return to Muncie, Ind. The reality that you live in a country founded on self-interest and conquest will set back in. Under the illumination of carnival lights and the smells of elephant ears, you will have the epiphany that all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. (Those poor earless elephants!)
Right now, I think every town in America could use a Ferris wheel. I know I could stand a couple rides myself.
Write to Ben at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
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