Welcome to the revolution. Meat is healthy. Dairy is diet food. Fat equals skinny.
(Yes, I've connected Dr. Atkins to George Orwell.)
Dr. Atkins' minions are counting carbohydrates -- dubbed "carbs" for people who aren't fleet of foot with multiple syllables -- in an effort to lose weight like Oprah on crack.
We've seen this before. Count your calories: Drink diet soda. Watch your cholesterol: Eat low fat foods. Cut back on salt: Eat low sodium foods. Cut back on toxic chemicals, saliva and feces: Don't eat in a restaurant -- ever.
Sure, you could exercise. Ah, just go tomorrow. You're tired. You worked all day. Exercising hurts. Eat this reduced [any ingredient here] food instead. That's good enough.
The Atkins diet allows dieters to eliminate the bread and cereal food group, leaving the Fat-O-Rama of meat and dairy, which is perfect for overweight Midwesterners.
This plan appeals to meat-eaters, known as "most people." The human body burns carbohydrates and fat, so by depriving the body of carbs, the fat will (theoretically) melt away like mayonnaise in Hell.
Atkins is successful for two reasons. For one, Atkins is a quick fix. Secondly, dieters get gobs of meat and cheese and virtually no fruit. Hey, that's America!
Businesses fully support the Atkins method by offering consumers low-carb options. Atkins products are everywhere; low-carb foods can be yours. Go buy them now, fatso.
Burger King has introduced the low-carb Whopper -- basically a slab of hormone-injected "meat" under a blanket of condiments.
Michelob has introduced "Ultra," a low-carb "beer" for folks who think carbohydrates are more harmful than alcohol. (These people need rubber helmets and leashes.)
Visit a restaurant and tell your server you'd like a Michelob Ultra, then order a burger -- hold the bun (include mayo). This is not weird -- this is cool. You're healthy and keen!
Now visit a restaurant with My Vegan Girlfriend.
Attempting nothing fancy or complicated, My Vegan Girlfriend orders food without butter, cheese, milk, meat or eggs (spaghetti with marinara, plain baked potatoes, etc.).
Invariably, her food arrives covered in cheese, butter, or (yes) meat.
Dining is difficult, sure, but finding vegan food isn't the hardest part.
Just try to be vegan for one meal. Servers look at you the way dogs do when you play a kazoo (or possibly bagpipes). You, dear friend, are a freak.
"What do you eat?" the server says, because when vegans stop eating meat and dairy, this leaves...no food?
"What's wrong with you? Are you lactose intolerant? Allergic?" servers ask, because "vegan" equals "defective" somehow.
Tired of explaining a dietary choice, My Vegan Girlfriend resorts to lies.
"Yes, I'm allergic to two entire food groups."
Because allergic customers can sue, servers and cooks jump. Managers visit the table. Hands are shaken and babies are kissed.
Voice a dietary choice, though, and get extra cheese, butter, unwanted meat and a dollop of saliva. Vegans aren't taken seriously -- they're seen as a nuisance.
But you can order a hamburger without a bun, and no one complains.
Atkins dieters are cool. Vegans are not.
So welcome to Atkins World, where "healthy" means you can get a slab of "beef" on a plate, but you can't get an apple. (Apples, naturally, are discouraged by the Atkins diet.)
Remember: Meat is health. Fruit is death. Vegans are just annoying.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
