The two giant, animated moose aren't helping.
In the mid-1990s, movie theaters began reminding audience members to hold down the noise, turn off cell phones and not stand up and yell during the film.
You know, common courtesies. But Americans need to be reminded of everything -- signs such as "no littering," "please wash hands" and "please flush" come to mind.
The current "hold it down" reminder features two animated moose.
Folks laugh, heckle the announcement, yell at each other, throw popcorn or talk at twice the normal speech volume about whatever infernal pop song they've been force-fed this week that touts the merits of bling, milkshakes or sex and is somehow considered good.
Bottom line: The moose aren't helping. We're being too soft.
And yes, I'm blaming a specific demographic, the age of which ranges from 14 to 18.
A guy can't even pay to see a poorly acted, poorly directed, poorly written, violent movie in peace anymore. (I saw The Butterfly Effect this weekend. One word review: steamer.)
Elderly people don't stand up in theaters, talk out loud to those around them or yell across the aisle. You never see them walking into movies 45 minutes late, yelling for friends.
Come to think of it, you don't see elderly people in theaters at all.
You also don't see parents acting up. Sure, once in a while an infant won't stop crying, but most normal citizens respect others and take the infant away.
No, the culprits are young, immature locals whom have no regard for anyone around them. And I want them all punished with swift and blinding justice.
Death is too extreme, though. You only kill when you're going to be killed, or if you want someone's oil. Those are the only times.
Given that violence solves most conflicts (I learned this from movies and the news), here's an idea:
Using our airlines as a model, maybe cinemas could employ "theater marshals" -- big, burly men who sit quietly and anonymously until someone misbehaves.
When that showoff high school student can't shut up and sit down, the marshal could administer stun gun justice, then drag the newly incontinent student off to Guantanamo Bay.
Those gaggles of girls who walk in 45 minutes late, carrying Baskin-Robbins ice cream and calling out for their boyfriends? The marshal could force-feed their ice cream really fast, which will give them all brain freezes. (I'd prefer to see sound beatings, but I'm flexible.)
That guy who already saw the movie and won't shut up about what's next? The marshal could break his jaw. Simple!
Advocating violence? Those are big words for a 15-year-old. Desperate times call for some shock and awe, y'all -- Toby Keith said so.
And we'd create jobs. Big people need work too.
Think about how cool that job would be. You'd get tons of free movies in addition to getting to beat the snot out of annoying teenagers.
Who wouldn't give an extra dollar for ticket prices to ensure this kind of justice?
Actually, we should have marshals everywhere. The overzealous salesman: Beaten. The opinionated video store clerk: Electrocuted. Telemarketers: Nuked.
Nothing spices up democracy like a few sprinkles of fascism.
Let's raise our $5 watered-down soda and salute the theater marshal.
After all, he's bigger. You want him on your side.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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