No new year can begin properly without a horoscope to keep us from assuming responsibility for our own lives.
With that in mind, I traded in my psychic turban for what J.R.R. Tolkien called a "palantir" and what the Wicked Witch of the West called a "crystal ball."
I just call it my giant marble.
(I can win any game of marbles now. This thing is the size of a bowling ball and can crush any Bumbo around. I can swap for a bunch of Peawees now. But that's not why I got this.)
In my big marble I can see the stars in ways William Shatner can only dream. Here, I can reveal your fake horoscope and cleverly disguise yet another set of stupid predictions.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You share your sign with Jesus, and if He finds out you're putting stock in horoscopes, you'll go to Hell. Be sure to watch your relations with people, as you never know when one of them will betray you for thirty pieces of silver.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): You will be given the power to communicate with marine life, but unfortunately, that doesn't make you a cool superhero. Pick up some home improvement videos and become The Renovator instead.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): You will be presented with an opportunity to succeed financially, but your brother-in-law will screw up everything. You should never give him money. How many times do I have to tell you?
Aries (March 21-April 20): You share your sign with the author. Congratulations on your supreme level of coolness. You are stubborn, short-tempered, and your CD collection is out of control.
Taurus (April 21-May 21): When that special someone knocks at your door, remember to tell him how drunk he was the night before. Don't let him in, because he won't change. Ever.
Gemini (May 22-June 21): Your evil twin (the one with the goatee) will visit from a parallel dimension, murder you, shave his beard, and assume your life. Lottery numbers: 5, 17, 22, 34, 44, and 61.
Venus: You are not a Zodiac sign.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): People will continue making jokes about terminal diseases when you reveal your sign. Be sure to have blunt objects on hand so you can knock them unconscious and bury them alive.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 21): You'll forget about joining the circus this year when you see that the benefits plan isn't great. That's when the pirates will hire you instead.
Virgo (August 22-Sept. 23): Of all the changes you'll go through this year, you'll find your new horns the most difficult, especially when they bust through your forehead.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): You share a sign with The Girlfriend, who wants a cool horoscope. Therefore, a wonderful Aries is in your future. Other than that, things suck.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Changing your surroundings will give you the jump-start you need to get away with that armed robbery. Dump that getaway car and remember: dead men don't talk.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Hugging will be redefined when a bear mauls you. Don't bother using mace -- that will just make the bear angry. Just play dead, or punch him, depending on the bear.
With that, I cover my giant marble and wish you a swell new year.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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