"Metrosexuals." You'd have to live in Afghanistan to not have heard of them. They are the new breed of heterosexual men. They fit all of the homosexual-male stereotypes. They are well-mannered, well-dressed and well-groomed. They are still sexually attracted to women. These new, young go-getters are a return to what some people might refer to as "gentlemen."
Hey guys. Knock it off. You're farking up our chi.
There is a very delicate balance of social order in this country. This delicate balance includes but is not limited to: geeks, goths, men, women, straights, bi-gay-lesbians, Bill O' Reilly, Gloria Steinem and Pat. Things work out nice and easy right now. There's a little something for everyone; the rules are understood.
You metrosexuals are breaking all the rules!
See, it works like this: As it stands, there is an insane (and unfair) expectation on women in our society to be physically attractive. There is a gold standard set by Cosmo Magazine, Jessica Simpson, and Victoria's Secret. The societal norm is set by these things and many, many women are choosing to aim for that standard. It takes a lot of work to be typically pretty, and they are choosing to do it.
We men don't have that standard; we don't have to work for anything. Right now, the women have to take what they can get! Men can eat Milk Duds (Earth's most socially unacceptable candy), pick their nose, wear t-shirts from 8th grade and fart in public, and still manage to have a date for Saturday night. We men have unofficially, collectively unionized and decided that we will live comfortably and according to our primitive desires. (Note to self: cook with onion and garlic tonight.)
That is until now. Now we have scabs. Scabs called "metrosexuals" that are plucking eyebrows, wearing clean clothes and taking a shower once (or even twice!) a day. This is a serious problem.
It is a serious problem because it is working out quite nicely for these gentlemen. As it turns out, women like a guy who smells nice. They want a guy with a healthy diet and a nice tan. Can you believe it? A publicly-presentable male companion is something women are into!
Metrosexual men are stealing away all of the date-worthy women and it will soon cause a rift in the male-bonding brotherhood, if not the space-time continuum. We don't want that. America can't stand another marketing demographic.
So I come to you metrosexuals with this plea: stop setting the bar so gosh-darn high. Return your hair products to the store and have your stoner-roommate cut your hair. Bite your nails for a bit. Only brush your teeth on days the Indiana Pacers win and ignore the temptation to frugally decorate your living space. Sell-back those Banana Republic clothes and let us all fart together in harmonic unison.
Come back to the pack, ye wayward metrosexual brethren; we will welcome you with open arms. Here, have a non-light beer. I've heard from my female friends of the unfair expectations they have to live by, and I've witnessed it first-hand. Believe me, man, you don't want that. We don't want that. Nobody, man or woman, deserves that.
Now if you'll excuse me for a couple hours, I have a nail appointment.
Write to Ben at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
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