For a long time I have tolerated the lack of respect for film inIndiana. I can cope with the Heartland Film Festival's insistenceon trying to be Midwestern (Why on Earth?). I can deal with thelack of small-release film screenings in our state (I'll wait forthe DVD.). I can even tolerate poor sound systems in theaters(economics, my friend).
The patrons of Indiana movie theaters, however, have no excuses.They treat attending a film like attending a private function intheir home lavatories. Going to a film is not a lax, routine event;it should require effort. Seeing a movie should be a littlestressful because you should earn the right to have theexperience.
Once and for all, I will lay out the rules. Heed them, or thenext time, a very bitter, angry college student will do all in hispower to ruin your moviegoing experience like you've ruinedhis.
Time of arrival is the most-important. It is wholly unacceptableto arrive in the theater after the previews start. Coming-soontrailers are an essential part of the experience. When you arrivein the middle of them, somebody (me) is going to have theirtrailer-viewing disrupted.
You look like a tool when you and your eight-member familyarrive in the theater in the dark five minutes into the movie,dumbfounded that there are no more than two adjacent, vacant seatsleft.
Fortunately, a mathematical formula will remedy this.
Recently, trailers have started five minutes before theadvertised movie's start time. Add five minutes to travel time.
If you want some popcorn, you will need to spend time in line.Add five minutes.
If it is a weekend, ticket lines will be longer. Add fiveminutes.
Opening weekends for movies are special events. True fans willensure they see the movie on opening weekend. If you intend onseeing a film on opening weekend, you will need to be seatedfifteen minutes early to make sure you can sit with yournine-member family, so add fifteen minutes.
There it is: five minutes for trailers, five minutes forpopcorn, five minutes to wait in line, fifteen minutes to not annoythe bile out of me when I am trying to watch the previews. Thismeans, neglecting the time it takes to drive from your house to thecrappy theater with poor speakers, you need to leave your house anentire 30 minutes before the movie's start time. Capisce?
Now that you've arrived on time, you need to behave during thefilm. A few guidelines:
1. Do not bring small children to the theater, even if it is achildren's film. Kids are loud, obnoxious and conditioned by thetelevision to have an attention span of two minutes.
2. Use the restroom before the movie starts. Otherwise, pee yourpants. Do not, under any circumstances, stand while the movie isplaying. Otherwise, die.
3. Stop talking.
4. There is one final thing that all theater patrons must know:the movie does not end until the credits have rolled. If you insiston leaving during the credits, do so in an orderly manner, i.e. -get out of my field of view.
And on that note, I'm going to the video store.
Write to Ben at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
visit www.classicalgeektheatre.com
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