Editor's Note: David Swindle's column last week was inappropriately edited. A missing paragraph substantially altered the meaning of the piece by removing reference to what makes Al Fraken a hypocrite in the columnist's opinion. We apologize for the error and remind you that the uncut version can be found at www.bsudailynews.com.
Comedy Central is my television guilty pleasure. I try to avoid the box, but with "Crank Yankers" and "Reno 911," I usually cave.
To my annoyance, many commercials try to be as funny as the shows, but one ad stands tall above others. It features this suburban guy golfing, swimming and barbecuing with a "swell of confidence" because he uses Enzyte, a "natural male enhancement" (Euphemisms are fun.).
I sat on the futon and stared in disbelief. Then I sadly thought, "Imagine all the poor suckers buying this stuff." The ad implies that the pills yield a Tower-of-Babel phallus. Sorry, but you're not going to make it to heaven. The fine print reveals that it doesn't enlarge natural physical dimensions but rather "increases erection size."
For the sake of argument and entertainment, let's assume a magic formula existed that transformed one's slingshot into a shotgun. It might not matter. If two soldiers go to battle, one with a BB gun and the other a Desert Eagle .50 (like Bullet Tooth Tony in "Snatch"), the man with the air rifle can still win. All he needs to do is shoot his opponent in the eyes. Game over.
It's not the weapon you have; it's how well you know how to use it.
Instead of spending $69.95 for a two-month supply of "Porsche in a bottle," the sexually underconfident buy books or videos on how to pleasure one's lover?
In a way, this predicament is a microcosm of a much grander debate in our culture. There is a whole host of problems in this country today based on people's decisions and attitudes towards sex. Girls and women have unplanned pregnancies. STDs spread like the Blaster Worm. Everyday, people manipulate other people.
The easy answer is to say, "Well, don't have sex." Push abstinence-only education. Use scare tactics. Wait until marriage. Then you won't have to deal with any of that.
Rather than being part of the solution, perhaps these attitudes are a part of the problem. Ignoring our sexuality won't make it go away. It will only make things worse. People who repress sexual desires instead of understanding and exploring them don't really know who they are. They have rejected a fundamental part of their beings. Sexuality reveals so much we can't learn in other ways.
One can flip on MTV and say, "Oh, we're an immoral, oversexed culture." That's true, but we're also a very prudish one. Perhaps many of these immature sexual expressions in media and entertainment are byproducts of our puritanical mentality.
The sexual tragedies that ravage our country come entirely from sexual ignorance. We're afraid to actually sit down, talk about and try and comprehend sex. Our culture makes sex such a mysterious event. And in demonizing, it deifies, and people get hurt. It's like we almost encourage parents to send their children out with a loaded gun without teaching them how to use it.
We shouldn't try and change our sexual nature. It's better to accept it and learn how to deal with it intelligently. A "return to traditional-moral values" is not the answer. We must strive to understand our sexuality and use it to enrich our lives.
Forgetting about the size of our genitals is a good idea, too.
Write to David at swimminginbrokenglass@yahoo.com
visit http://www.bsu.edu/web/dmswindle
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