Summer is wedding season, or as I call it, "Big-Pain-in-the-Ass Season."
As mailboxes overflow and burst with wedding invitations heralding these special, sacred, beautiful ceremonies, I wonder how many more weddings I can handle before I snap.
With apologies to everyone who has invited me, I have to say it:
Wow, I'm tired of weddings.
Lately, I've attended an unhealthy number of weddings (more than one), and I've been invited to dozens more. The gifts, travel, lodging and overall expenses have become too much to handle.
I ask aloud: Will the infernal wedding barrage ever stop?
One year, I was invited to a dozen weddings. I was flattered, but each one was scheduled on a weekend during June, July or August.
First, why summer? The weather is nice, but it's the hottest time of year. Most sane people don't think "formal wear" in July, but most wedding planners aren't sane.
Second, why get married when everyone else does? A wedding isn't special if it falls on the same day as a dozen others.
Third, no wedding guest wants to go to a dozen weddings in a summer. Who can?
I'm not married, nor have I attempted to plan a wedding. Until then, I'll probably hear the following:
"If you think going to a wedding is stressful, try planning one."
At that, every married person in the universe shares a knowing glance because they've "been there."
But tell me, why is it that such a common event is so difficult to plan? Could it be because so few people believe in simplicity?
Despite planning from as early as birth, anal-retentive, super-picky people can ruin a good wedding with materialistic expectations that overshadow the meaning of the ceremony.
The dress, hair, tuxedo, cake and table settings -- all have to be perfect, or the wedding is ruined. Less than perfect is not an option.
One flower is missing from the bouquet? The unity candle won't light? Alas, these flaws taint the perfect wedding. People actually cry.
I often hear funerals and weddings mentioned in the same breath, but I don't get that. Most funerals aren't planned months or even years in advance.
Funerals -- nice ones, mind you -- are slapped together in under a week.
But consider this: When was the last time you went to a poorly planned funeral?
The alternative to attending multiple weddings is skipping some or all of them. Skipping a wedding is akin to skipping a funeral, but dead people don't give you a guilt trip.
Dead people also have the good sense to die throughout the year -- not just on Saturdays between June and August.
All dead jokes aside, don't misunderstand me. I'm not against all weddings -- just ones in which stress, cost and annoyance overshadow love, happiness and celebration.
Sadly, that's most of them.
Of course, not every wedding planner makes the ceremony miserable. But when was the last time you attended a perfectly planned and executed wedding?
My guess is it was the last simple wedding you attended. Just a few close family members and friends -- nothing too fancy, lengthy, elaborate or stressful.
We don't have to invite everyone we know, and we don't need massive, expensive weddings. Often, simple equals special.
That crazy talk is probably why I'm not married.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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