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| John King is a graduate student and writes 'King's Eye Land' for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper. |
Resolved: Free Internet porn is mythical.
Despite repeated junk e-mails touting its existence, I personally have made several middle-of-the-night efforts to find it, only to come up empty-handed.
Naturally -- as many porno seekers will say upon an open public admission or simply being caught -- I was just doing research.
That's college. If you master the academic spin, you can research anything.
Knowing this particular research may be offensive to some, I have provided the following disclaimer:
Stop reading.
As for those who remain, you are my brethren. Despite bountiful statements to the contrary, we've seen the pervasiveness of Internet porn and determined that somebody must be looking. We will not speculate why.
We know that Internet porn sites -- due to their anonymous target market -- make more money per year than my combined credit card debt. (I have no idea what that means, but rest assured, it's a lot.)
At this critical (broke) juncture of our lives, this kind of research has strong merit. Students and creepy faculty (along with the general public) mustn't be lured into the hairy grip of pricey porno vendors.
My research methodology was restricted to adult content featuring consenting adults who, for the most part, theoretically knew they were to be displayed on the Internet, thus allowing avid, dedicated researchers to find them. Also, it had to be hardcore.
Through hours of exhaustive late-night research, I have determined that, without a valid credit card or password (or both), porno seekers and researchers alike are repeatedly denied access to premium prurience.
Instead, we are left to fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way -- and we learn the tragic, costly truth.
Several sites exist with free "samples." These are usually photos with strategically placed black bars, white stars, blurry areas or site logos -- indeed, graphics to hide the pornographic.
Collections of links exist, but these are dangerous hodgepodges. Who knows what research material will be unearthed? Thank goodness for our clear methodology!
Prominent sites tout "super long clips with sound." These are most popular among visitors. Again, we won't contemplate why.
At no cost, one can find streaming video clips, up to 30 seconds in duration, featuring naked people engaging in prurient acts. For many men, 30 seconds is an eternity.
However, we know some people (women) have longer attention spans. Thus we will classify streaming video clips lasting longer than 30 seconds -- with sound, mind you -- as Quality Porn.
Unfortunately, Quality Porn isn't free on the Internet. As a devoted researcher, I found this infinitely frustrating. However, many video players can make clips repeat.
Overall, this research was a nightmare. The worst part was not the futility, but the persistence of pop-up windows. I often spent hours just trying to quit my browser.
This academic endeavor was not without its lingering effects, either. After so many prolonged research experiences, I am now addicted.
I'm perpetually drawn to my computer just to check for new developments at some of my more valuable sources. Call it dedication to my discipline.
Finally, all this research has ruined my eyesight. I attribute this myopia to the many articles I had to read.
I may be overextended, spent and blind, but I feel good about my work and myself.
After all, I know my research will help generations to come.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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