Mr. Editor, University President Brownell, Members of the Student Body, distinguished guests, fellow citizens.
Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the university. This year, we gather in this column deeply aware of decisive days that lie ahead. You and I serve our country in a time of great consequence.
We will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared - and we will answer every danger and every enemy that threatens the BSU students.
I propose that all tuition reductions set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent and effective this year. And under my plan, this extra money will start showing up in students' beer-guts. If a student chooses not to buy alcohol with his hard-earned money (provided by his parents) then he shall use it to buy comics.
My second goal is high quality, affordable health care for all Ball State students. If, by "health care" I mean "free milk shakes." It's bad enough that milkshakes are not available in the Atrium. I propose that not only will shaken milk be available in student dining areas, but that it be free of charge. There is plenty of car-flavored snow outside; tuition need-not be raised to cover the costs of the free frozen treats.
To improve our health care system, (read: "the lack of free milk shakes") we must address one of the prime causes non-freeness - the makers of said shakes will be unfairly sued. "Brain Freezes" have been unfairly attributed to the makers of ice cream beverages when they should have been attributed to the dolts who downed their dairy delights too swiftly.
My third goal is to promote energy independence for our university, while dramatically improving the environment. I have proposed the drilling of our North Quad for precious "electricity". This will dramatically "improve" the environment by destroying it. Out of sight, out of mind.
My fourth goal is to apply the compassion of Muncie to the deepest problems of Ball State. For so many on our campus - the fraternities, the BSA, the Campus Crusade - the need is great. Yet there is power - wonder-working power - in the Microsoft XBox. All hail Supreme Chancellor Gates. Free Xbox Live subscriptions, good for one year, for everyone. Peace through gaming.
Last month, Mr. Allyn West called on our fellow students to participate in P.R.O.V.E., which is enlisting exactly eleven new volunteers across Muncie. Tonight I ask the student body to focus the spirit of service on the needs of some of our most vulnerable students +â-¦ the Vampire LARPers, who must go through life playing an over-rated version of paper-rock scissors. I propose a $4,000 initiative to buy them all yo-yos.
Millions world-wide suffer from starvation and AIDS infection. (Most of them are at Ball State). State-funding for universities has recently been slashed. Education needs more funding. I propose BSU spend enormous sums of cash to aid in the war against Iraq.
Many challenges, abroad and at home, have arrived in a single semester. In two years, BSU has gone from a sense of incredulity to an awareness of incredulity - from bitter division in small matters to apathetic division in all matters. And we go forward with confidence, because this call of history has come to the wrong campus.
Thank you.
Write to Mouse at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
Visit www.classicalgeektheatre.com
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