Okay guys, don't panic.
I am aware that Valentines Day is two days away and I know you've been too busy playing Mech Assault to find a date. Worry not; I have your emergency guide to V-Day.
First of all, find a girl. The really good ones won't crawl out from underground until the first week of warm weather, but there are probably a few hanging out at bus stops.
Forget about them. Just get a hair from your best friend's girlfriend and clone her. Yes, all his other friends were thinking the exact same thing.
You'll need to use growth hormones to accelerate the clone's development; you only have two days, after all. You can obtain growth hormones from a horse doctor or the athletic department.
Once the clone is complete, the hard part begins: going up to talk to her for the first time.
Contrary to popular belief, women don't want you to be yourself. You'll need a good pick-up line in order to seduce her womanly desires. Try this one: "Weren't you the halfling chick on the cover of Dragon Magazine?"
She'll blush. Before she can open her mouth to reply, (You always want to prevent that from happening whenever possible) pull a gift out from behind your back. Traditionally, that gift would be flowers.
Women don't want flowers. Women want polyhedron dice. I recommend going down to the Wizard's Keep and purchasing two sets of polyhedron dice: your favorite color and a color that reminds you of her. Mix them up into two sets, one for you and one for her. Now you both have a shared memento of your future Dungeons and Dragons games together. She'll love it.
Now, ask her to be your Valentine.
Before she opens her mouth to reply, (Good, you remembered!) explain that fate will decide for her. Roll a 20-sided die. On a natural roll of 20, she will run off with you to your bedroom immediately. Nice work. Anywhere between 11 and 19 is a success and anywhere between 10 and 2 is a failure. On a natural 1, your best friend's girlfriend (whom you cloned) is also your sister. Sorry, dude.
Lets assume you succeed. Find out where she lives and tell her you'll pick her up Friday at 8p.m.-feel free to run off skipping.
You're only going to have one night with this girl before she realizes you're a complete jerk, so you'd better make it good. Go buy a couple flashlights for atmospheric lighting. Call Family Video and reserve "Halo" ahead of time. You'll need good make-out music, too. I recommend the most recent offering from Ween. Don't worry about making her dinner; it is reasonable to assume she'll bring a sack lunch.
When you pick her up, compliment her in binary code; women love foreign accents. Don't even bother going bowling or to a movie, just head straight to your pad.
Upon arrival, blindfold her. Turn on the flashlights and spin some Ween. Walk her into your bedroom by the hand. Give her an XBox controller, take off the blindfold, look her straight in the eyes and say, "I'm going to let you be Player 1". She'll melt into your arms. A winner is you.
That is, until she realizes what a lamer you are.
Write to Mouse at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
Visit http://www.classicalgeektheatre.com
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
