Women, it's time for you to find that slinky cleavage shirt, and men, it's time to find the largest potato to make that first - well, big impression.
That's what dating is all about, isn't it?
We need the first impression to knock the wind out of our counterparts, heighten their saliva levels, give them sweaty palms, make their teeth chatter, dilate their pupils, baptize them with an abundance of eau de toilette and, of all things, swoon.
Take all these first-impression instincts into account, and they will come in handy with the newest sensation of meeting people: speed dating.
Thanks to the makers of Musical Chairs, the evolution of dating has succumbed to our excuses that "we just don't have enough time."
But can you spare eight minutes?
That's all that's needed for speed dating. 8MinuteDating specializes in this. They're a company that sets singles up, gives them booze, fattens them up with free hors d'oeuvres and sets them loose to wreak first-impression havoc.
And that's really all it is: 8MinuteDating sets numbers on a table and organizes who goes to which table and when. Table No. 1 has Benny and Katie. They talk for eight minutes - his breath smells, she has yellow teeth, she sips her cosmopolitan and he gulps his Jack n' Coke, and then, ding! A bell rings, they switch tables and mingle with someone new for another eight minutes.
There are eight of these mini-dates, each lasting eight minutes, and so, by the end of the night, you've embarrassed yourself for a total of 64 minutes discussing likes, dislikes, favorite movies, favorite sexual positions, when you were diagnosed with Tourrette's Syndrome, why the glass eye won't sit straight, where that fish smell is coming from, the reason spandex is the only material you'll ever wear, why you think Bob Dole is a hottie, why you feel that venereal disease is just a conspiracy theory and what your favorite color is.
If the Fates allow, people may or may not go home with contact info, and the rest is e-mail history.
There is one stipulation: This activity isn't free. Write a check for $28.88, drop your integrity off at the babysitter's place, think of the five best things about yourself and try your best pursuing the persona of Alpha Male or Alpha Female - cocky, delicious, self-absorbed and witty.
No, thanks. To me, desperation for a relationship is a choice - not a state of mind.
Somehow America got caught up in "Back to the Future" during the 1980s and ever since, each human goes through the day at the speed of 88 miles per hour. Our excuses: "We have no time," "There's so much to do," "I'm horny." This 8MinuteDating sounds like the easy way out.
But it seems better than actually submitting and responding to personal ads. I'm sure most of those ads are awful truck drivers waiting in the shadows at a rest stop.
I would rather meet eight different women, with a drink in my hand, and actually see them face to face, than end up in the arms of a hairy, fat man named Bubba in a bathroom stall.
Write to Evan at emann@mr-potatohead.com
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