Despite discouraging notions that none of my predictions from last year came true and that this is a colossal waste of space, time, thought, energy and ink, it is time once again for me to don my psychic turban and make up stuff.
Here, for everyone's bewilderment, are John's Psychic Predictions for 2003. Note that these predictions only run through May, mainly because once the semester ends, I will no longer care.
Jan. 6 - You will attend class and, while surveying the syllabus, wonder why someone always asks about the date and time of the final on the first day.
Jan. 20 - Twelve students will do something related to Martin Luther King. The rest will stay home and do nothing. When asked, they will say, "Yeah, I thought about him. Is that enough? What am I supposed to do?"
Jan. 27 - Liberals and conservatives (whatever those terms mean) will unite in total harmony and peace and thus, agree on everything. This consensus will result in a decided lack of letters to our nation's newspapers, and everyone will grow mullets.
Jan. 30 - (10:06 p.m.) A wacky scientist will appear out of nowhere in a frost-covered DeLorean. He will run up to you and babble something about the future, and how all this construction on campus must be stopped. Libyan terrorists traveling in a Volkswagen microbus will gun him down, and you will know what you have to do. This will be your density.
FEB. 1 - This will be the first day of February. (I used this joke last year. I don't care.)
FEB. 14 - While people are out spending money on gifts and mushy cards, I'll be sitting at home with my girlfriend, who doesn't care about Valentine's Day and is perfectly happy watching a movie and treating it like any other day.
FEB. 15 - I'll be dumped.
FEB. 20 - Eleven feet of snow will fall - but only on the administration building. Cries to the heavens will go unanswered. Never, ever forget: people ski in weather like this all the time.
FEB. 25 - Bounty hunters will be assigned to track down students who skip class. Ben "Mouse" McShane will be found in the Frog Baby fountain because the reed he uses to breathe underwater will be seen moving.
MARch 10 - You will finally snap and tell the non-traditional student in your class to shut up about being older because age doesn't make people smart.
MARch 15 - In a gala celebration, the city of Muncie will name a Neely Avenue pothole in honor of its most successful native son, John C. King. This will be called a stroke of genius, and the resurrection of Muncie will depend solely on expected tourist appeal.
MARch 16 - I will realize they spelled my name incorrectly.
MARch 21 - This will be my birthday. I will be 107 years old. That's smart.
APRil 1 - Absolutely nothing will happen.
APRil 8 - Citing the need for expansion, Ball State University will seek an eminent domain seizure and purchase the city of Muncie. When asked why, university officials will cite the need for parking.
APRil 22 - Muncie will be renamed "Commuter Parking."
MAY 1 - The Jon C. Kong Memorial Pothole will swallow your car, three additional cars, a yard gnome and the Studebaker complex.
MAY 5 - Predictions will be outlawed.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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