Imagine the setting: You are at a crowded buffet right next to a man twice the size of your first car. Suddenly, and without warning, he rears back his head and lets the mucous fly in a very kinetic way covering the sneeze guard with a thick layer of nose goblins and leaving the food underneath untainted and unspoiled. The sneeze guard saves the day again! Hip hip hooray!
Yeah right. Have you ever actually seen someone sneeze on the sneeze guard? Of course not. The aforementioned man has a certain amount of tact and therefore will either turn his head to the side and sneeze in your general direction, or he will cover his mouth and nose and then proceed to reach underneath the sneeze guard with the nastified hand to handle the tongs that you will be the next to touch.
And that's only if he can reach under it in the first place.
Here is my theory: The inventor of the sneeze guard and several of his golfing partners had a few too many brandies at the country club and constructed a crude salad bar prototype with the look and feel of a birdhouse inasmuch as only birds can reach the food underneath the clear glass roof.
Then they had a hearty laugh and sent the plans to the patent office purely by accident.
The patent office, seeing that the plans were sketched on the prestigious country club napkins and being very interested in keeping its membership, not only approved the design but sacrificially burnt any plans made by rational people who do not routinely inhale noxious gasses.
The same process also played a significant role in the creation of Spongebob Squarepants.
But the worst thing about the buffet design is that it does not even address the issue of kids, who serve collectively as a Magical Theme Park O' Fun for bacteria of all ages.
Believe it or not, parents everywhere are causing the morale decline of our great nation by allowing their runny-nosed children to run rampant about the countryside sneezing and coughing on anything they please. This is what the Atlantian children did too, and we all know what happened to Atlantis.
My point, of course, is that they are the ones with the most easy and direct access to the food at the buffets. They do not have to contort themselves into mutated knots in order to reach the mashed potatoes. In fact, their heads are right there at mashed-potato level. It is a snot shower just waiting to happen, and I don't know about you, but as a buffet customer who traditionally eats as much as possible before abdominal explosion, it is unnerving to think of exactly what percentage of my food is made up of child mucous.
A simple solution would be to either develop roller coaster restrictions by giving every buffet customer under a certain height a face mask or to -- and this is a wild idea -- get rid of the sneeze guard.
How difficult would it be to just put napkin dispensers on top of the buffet? Come on, folks. Let's not be as dumb as the invention of the sneeze guard.
Uh, oh! I feel a sneeze coming on! Quick! Could someone hand me a large piece of glass?++2'>^+â-ô-
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