No longer at ease: Conversation with U.S. government spurs conversion

It may have taken a year, but I've finally realized I've been living in a dream world. Silly me, thinking I was supposed to question the government. I am now united with the American psyche in its quest for justice.

I'd like to thank the news, both broadcast and print, for finding new angles to keep this story fresh. I'd also like to thank certain government officials for taking the time to converse with me regarding the errors of my sinful ways.

Lest ye not yet be a convert, I'll share with you a portion of the conversation that begat my revelation.

Uncle Sam: We've gotten word that either you don't believe us, you don't trust us, or you're against us.

Suspicious Columnist: If you're talking about that column from last year, I didn't mean it. Seriously, I don't believe Florida is still having "problems" with its voting or the President was appointed. And domestic problems, in this country? Where did I get that idea from?!

US (flashing handcuffs): Good. Real good. So, what's your stance on Saddam & OBL? (gov-speak for Osama).

Nobody's Fool: Dunno? What should it be?

US: You think they're evil men and definitely no match for American solidarity.

United States of Aric: Works for me. Should I be waving a flag while I say this?

US: Don't get smart, we've got the USA-PATRIOT Act for a reason.

Aric: Sorry. I do have a few questions though. Just so we're clear, now that I'm on the right side and all. This war on terrorism, is the outlook better than that war on drugs we used to have? And what about the other domestic issues like that constitutionality of that Patriot Act?

US (patting handcuffs): Obviously we're not clear at all. The war on terrorism will end in a decisive victory for the decent people of the world everywhere. And I'll ask you not to mention any domestic issues such as war on drugs, the economy, racism, poverty, education or the USA Men's Basketball debacle again. Now we clear?

Me: We're clear, put down the cuffs. But one more thing, about this motto you, I mean we, have going on? "If you can't find bin Laden, bomb Saddam!" What's that all about?

US (removing cuffs): You're sounding suspiciously like a terrorist or the UN, either way we don't need that type of talk. Let's go see one of those military resorts we have for people like you.

Devout American Patriot: I meant, "Let's roll!"

US: Better, but a tad too late.

Mind you this was before the remembrances. It's the real reason I had no column last week.

During my vacation I didn't see bin Laden, so I guess we don't have him yet. But 9.11.02 passed without incident, even after the amber alert, the flags and vigils. It's been a year already?

So what now? With newly minted, yet grieving millionaires, (families of attack victims, not baseball players) and a president whose approval rating depends on terrorism what do we do?

If what we know is information from the traditionally secretive government, what remains unknown? As we look on with Zapruder-like clarity only one thing is definite. Nothing remains the same.

So we roll, but where to?

Note: Columnist Aric Lewis is currently out of the country on a recon mission. The government has informed us that he should be back shortly.

Write to Aric at


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