Classical Geek Theatre: Game of bat and 'Mouse' resolved as animal control restores order

Bats. Anyone who has read up on modern-day philosopher Bill Watterson knows that bats are giant bugs, the scourge of the skies. It has come to my attention that, as of late, Muncie has been plagued with bats. I think the city should do something about it.

I first noticed the Winged Menace a couple weeks ago. It was a nice clear night, and a friend of mine and I decided to take my roof. Every good college house has a roof suitable for sitting on at night

There we were, staring out over McKinley, when I saw a flicker in the street light. Something had flown out in front of it.

"Just a bird, I thought. That's the ticket. Just a bird."

Oh, I could not have been any more wrong. A few minutes later, it flew rather close. It was, in fact, a bat. Over the course of the next week, I would continue to notice the flying terrors in and around my neighborhood at night.

What follows may be too freaky-deaky for some. The squeamish should read no further.

It had been a week or so since I first noticed the bats. I arose to the sound of chirping birds. Brilliant, golden sunlight burst through my window shades and caressed my face. Music swelled. Morning.

Like all normal people in the morning, I proceeded to the restroom. Upon arrival, I heard a peculiar "splish splash" sound. I creeped into the lavatory.

Gazing into the ivory bowl, I witnessed a site that would chill the hearts of most. I saw a bat and he was enjoying a nice little swim in my toilet.

Don't ask me how, because I don't know.

Actually, the filthy creature was rather stuck. I laughed at his ugly face and mocked his predicament. Then realized that I would not be able to go to the restroom until animal control had removed the nocturnal freak show from my throne.

Bats 1, Mouse 0.

Now, you may wonder what my own personal battle with the Dark Lords of the Skies has to do with you. Well, I will tell you: I have it on good authority that there is in fact a bat living on the fourth floor of Bracken Library. That's right.

Yesterday they came for our bathrooms. Today they come for our reference materials. Tomorrow, they will come for our souls. To my knowledge, little effort has been made to remove the airborne beast.

This is a very serious issue. In 2000, the ISDH Rabies Laboratory tested 380 Indiana bats and found rabies in 3.6% of them. Bats have needle-like teeth, and it is possible to be bitten by one and not even know it. I don't know about you, but I am not willing to run that risk when I walk down McKinley at night or go into Bracken Library.

I propose that we commission The Joker to gas all of Muncie and exterminate the bats. The Joker probably knows more about bats than anyone else. We can all evacuate Muncie and then gas the place. Hopefully, this will also knock off a lot of the mosquitoes. The only things bats are good for is eating their blood-sucking brethren, the mosquito.

I still can't figure out how it got in my toilet.

Write to Mouse at


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