The Man Who Moved the Cheese: Best-selling guidebook little more than common sense

And the day had started so pleasantly, too. Nothing had prepared me for the shock of seeing it, squatting there at Number Four atop the New York Times bestseller list like a pulsing, infected little literary tick.

"Who Moved My Cheese?" The book that keeps me awake at night, fearing for the future of humanity.

Perhaps I should explain myself. One fine year, our pal Spencer Johnson, M.D., decided to write a guidebook for all the white-collar, low-end shmuckboys who were slaving away at their dead-end jobs day after day. Now this, in and of itself, is a noble cause, and I have no problem with it. It is the method that Johnson has chosen to deliver his important messages to the unfortunate masses through the medium of the printed word...and in so doing, created the single-most utterly stupid and condescending piece of literature since 'How to Learn French' was translated into French.

The book starts off with the narrative sketch of "A Gathering," where several former high school classmates have lunch and chat with each other in "incredibly realistic ways" about the old days. It's made painfully obvious that they are talking about how they "didn't want to change when things change." Keep this in mind, kids. We'll be returning to this theme.

Midway into "A Gathering," one of the Gatherers launches into a narrative story of his own, concerning two mice named Sniff and Scurry, as well as two "little people" named Hem and Haw, who live together in a maze for no apparent reason. They spend their time running around, looking for "cheese." Cheese is described as being all the things one wants out of life, such as money, power, women, cars, happiness, multiple orgasms, etc.

Naturally, the attitude assumed by these two pairs of cheese detectives is wildly different. Sniff and Scurry go running about "sniffing" the cheese out and "scurrying" to get it, whereas Hem and Haw do a lot of talking. When they do talk, they use the word "change" in almost every sentence, sometimes more than once. See a pattern here?

Soon enough, the cheese is removed, and Hem and Haw don't take it well. More "change" references abound. Finally, after a repetitive and badly written struggle against the forces of "change," Hem and Haw realize that their "cheese" will always keep moving, and the trick is to keep running after it, no matter what.

Then we return to "A Gathering," to hear the long, drawn-out dialogues displayed by the Gatherers about "change" and how they relate to a couple rats in a maze. Whee.

Final synopsis: Terrible dialogue, pointless exposition, and overly-dramatic and drawn-out references to the point about change that the book is trying to make. Namely: Change happens.

Thank you, Dr. Johnson.

Now all of this is mind-numbingly stupid, given, but we have to remember that this seventy-some-page manual on how not to write a seventy-some-page manual has sold millions and millions of copies and has reached No. 4 four on the New York Times bestseller list. It's being hailed by idiots across the country as the greatest thing since premixed peanut butter and jelly!

My God, friends and neighbors, you should already know this stuff! If what it takes to make a point to the American public is a condescending, overly-simple book like "Who Moved My Cheese?," I think we can all look forward to a bright, shiny future filled with the literary equivalent of "Go Dog Go."

Won't that be great?