Media Timeout: Football 101 should become mandatory course

It's going to go on my wall. It will be placed right next to my high school diploma.

The "it" to which I am referring is my, official Football 101 Diploma.

That's right. I am now officially a "Gridiron Graduate." Now there is no need to applause, and I hope you don't feel intimidated. I am just like any one of you. The only difference is that I have taken Football 101.

Football 101 is a single-session class that is designed to give anyone who is interested a crash course on the basics of football. The class was taught Monday night by Ball State head football coach Bill Lynch at the Alumni Center.

I am not ashamed to say that I was one of only three males in a class of 120 females. Most of those women, however, were old enough to be my mother. Some were old enough to be Bill Lynch's mother. In fact, one of the women present was Bill Lynch's mother.

Football 101 is a fantastic idea, and I propose that it become a part of the university's core curriculum. Women, do you want to be able to spend more quality time with your boyfriend? Enroll in Football 101. Your man will be impressed with your newfound knowledge of blitzes, play-actions, and the cover-two defense.

Men? Want to impress your friends? Explain to them that college players are allowed to wear only gray gloves in order to crack down on holding penalties. How do gray gloves accomplish that? Take the course to find out.

The material learned in Football 101 is invaluable in every field of business. Those awkward moments at work when you are passing a co-worker in the hall can be solved with one question: "How 'bout those Cardinals?"

Learn how much a goal post costs. Know what the referee means when he clasps his hands over his head as if he were a belly dancer. Learn why offense tackles are called tackles even though they aren't allowed to tackle anyone.

You won't get a syllabus. Instead, you will receive a playbook.

People who come in late won't be counted absent, but will rather be penalized five yards.

If a student gives a wrong answer in class, not a word will be spoken. Instead, a yellow flag will be thrown. And on the last day of classes, a large bucket of Gatorade will be dumped onto the professor's head.

The increased knowledge of the students will also help Ball State University athletics. Once students have a better understanding of football, more of them will attend games. High attendance leads will help Ball State keep Division I status and will increase revenue.

Increased revenue will lead to better recruiting opportunities. Better recruiting will help the Cardinals win more games. And more games may even lead to a national championship.

So as a Gridiron Graduate, I implore university officials to go the whole nine yards and make Football 101 a required course.

Just like a quarterback, I will be behind you every step of the way.