After much observation, I have come to a conclusion: Theme parks attract dastardly people.
The research I decided to use was to surround myself with people at a theme park and observe their human behaviors and actions. Homo sapiens are an interesting breed of species to watch while standing in line for a roller coaster.
I think I'll give myself a Ph.D right now; I have conducted that much research.
All of the hours I spent watching, with my sore feet, knees, back and severe whiplash, led me to believe that a theme park is like a human zoo.
Here is my dissertation:
Amusement parks, such as Paramount's Kings Island, (a trip I took with my office staff on Tuesday) led me to understand that Homo sapiens are not interested in their well-being, but at the same time, they are desperate for attention from insatiable love partners of the opposite sex.
I watched the interesting mating calls of the voluptuous woman that wore her tight, white tank top with the word "hottie" spray painted across her breasts. Along with the tackiness of the blue "hottie" insignia, she adorned five bead necklaces around her neck. Apparently this ritual was to grab the attention of the male species.
Something peacock-ish, perhaps?
I watched more closely, while waiting in line for the super-cool, adrenaline rushing "Face Off" roller coaster, as a man slumped around in attire that won't, by any means, attract anything but flies and laughter.
A gray, soiled t-shirt cut off from the upper torso showed off his round belly. His uncombed hair tangled down his back, while his sandals exposed dirty toes with black and yellow toenails.
These two examples, the "hottie" and the "dirty," provided evidence that they did not care about their appearance nor their hygiene, but nonetheless, were probably searching for love in the wildest of theme park rides.
I continued my scientific observations while standing in line for the "Flight of Fear" roller coaster (in the dark, I might add) and witnessed two young'ins begin their love making ritual in front of many on-lookers.
Sadly, I had a front row seat -- breath taking for a crazy roller coaster trip, nauseating for a viewing of an NC-17 relationship.
It began with the interlocking of their 14-year-old lips. With their faces smooshed together for unbelievable lengths added to a new conclusion: Adolescent Homo sapiens must salivate much more than adult Homo sapiens, and, therefore, they try to catch the excess amounts of saliva with each others' mouths.
Can we say, "Um, get a room?"
But it got worse.
After watching these two suck the living souls out of each other, they began to gyrate and bump against each other, which started their social love making session. They were grabbing and pulling and honking and squeezing and smashing and licking and -- well, the female Homo sapien had gotten quite a rise out of her male counterpart.
Did I mention the male Homo sapien had warts all over his fingers?
Gag.
This example, the exchange of perverted yuck between two teenagers, provided evidence that teenage Homo sapiens enjoy making raunchy grossness in front of large crowds -- like young, able zebras at a zoo -- as they begin their futures in exhibition.
My scientific observations conclude with the attire of Homo sapiens at an amusement park.
Clad tightly in stained spandex, loose fitting tank tops, shorts that show butt cheeks, male Homo sapiens showing off their "tighty whities" and butt cleavage, female Homo sapiens of all ages showing off their bodies with bikinis, old clothes, mullets, brown toenails, uncombed hair, wedgies and so on and so on, I realized that Homo sapiens either don't care how they look while risking their lives at an amusement park, or they just can't help the fact that they are instantly ugly after water rides on a humid afternoon.
Although my dissertation is also opinion, along with my scientific observations, it's not what you wear that matters, is it?
Or should we rename the park Paramount's Paupers Island?
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