I spent a portion of last weekend watching people do catastrophic damage to themselves using things with wheels. Oddly enough, I was not at a family reunion. I just saw the new X-Games film, "Ultimate X."
Critically hailed (by me) as "a documentary or something," this film depicted radical people on motorcycles, skateboards, BMX bikes and random rolling devices.
The film chronicles the evolution of the X-Games from a small-time daredevil oddity that nobody cared about into a big-time, Mountain Dew-sponsored display of just how insane men can be when given a motorcycle (or other equipment with at least one wheel attached).
Each shot was an adrenaline rush put to IMAX film, which, technically speaking, is "really big film stock used in a really big camera." Why big film? I have no idea.
Suspense dominated the film. Could the wacky biker dude flip a motorcycle backwards in midair and live to tell the tale? Could the shirtless, cocky BMX rider be any more pierced and be any cooler for it? Can Mountain Dew make me stupid, sterile or both?
I could not believe my eyes as I watched some of the most insane stunts ever devised. These men were not out to impress me, though. You see, pain impresses women.
Just ask around. Everyone knows, nothing makes a woman salivate like a dirt-covered man with a compound fracture and missing teeth.
My date loved it.
Somehow, I remained captivated in much the same way as when I rubberneck a car crash on the highway. This is the same captivation that occurs when the weird guy brings "Faces of Death" to the party - people just have to watch.
I sat confused as bike after bike, board after board, street luge after street luge, these athletes ramped and jumped and leaped to oppressively loud modern rock. Bikers landed poorly, skateboarders wiped out and BMX riders looked foolish on small bikes. My morbid curiosity kept me involved.
My date cheered.
By the end of the film, I had heard her cheers and seen her excitement grow into a gargantuan frenzy. Thus, I wanted to impress her. I'm extreme too, you know.
So, with the help of a few others, I found my own X-Games sport. I can join these daredevils and possibly even impress this girl and/or break something. I will become one with the spirit of "Ultimate X" with this ultimate new sport.
Meet John King: Extreme Walker.
Most people don't realize how dangerous Extreme Walking can be. See, I take regular walking up a notch. I don't just walk. I walk backwards. I jump over sidewalk cracks. I spontaneously walk along the curb and pretend it's a tightrope.
Bring it on, man. No sidewalk is too dangerous for me. The most busted, tree-root damaged sidewalk can only make me stronger. I embody Extreme Walking like Tony Hawk embodies skateboarding. I'm the ultimate man-god.
I can walk really fast when I cross the street (known as the Dag-Nasty Frogger Binger). I can jump sidewalk cracks and do the Fuzzy Banana Heel-Around. I can do the Super Turnabout Dopefly Mumbleflip (a difficult Extreme Walking stunt involving heel-clicking, a hair-dryer and a whoopee cushion).
Anyone can Extreme Walk. The moves are deceptively simple. Walk backwards with a hammer and do the Dungeon-style 9000! Eat the Weasel! Spot the Vancouver! Swat the Snow Cone!
I actually have no idea what I'm talking about, but keep an eye out for me this summer. I'll be out there somewhere, attempting to impress a girl with my walking.
Too bad I don't have a big camera.