I believe everyone is put on this planet for a reason. Some people become doctors and help the sick. Others become teachers and pass on knowledge to our youth. Still more invent something that increases the efficiency of blenders or something.
My calling came to me in dream. It is simple, beautiful, and it could very well change the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Slawball. (Catchy name, huh?)
This is the sport for the sports fan. It can be played by virtually anyone at virtually any age, virtually anywhere. Notice the trifecta of "virtually anys."
So what is Slawball? Allow me to explain.
The game is very simple. Competitors sit in a comfortable chair accompanied by their favorite beverages and snack foods. They will be asked to hold in their hands some kind of sporting ball (basketball, football, golf ball, etc.).
A large-screen television will be placed in front of them and turned to ESPN. And so the game begins. Slawball is all about endurance. The eventual winner is the participant who can stay awake the longest, for he or she is a true sports fan.
Sounds fairly easy, doesn't it? Well, think about it for a second. While there are a lot of great shows and sporting events on ESPN, it is not all home runs and buzzer beaters.
I'm talking about bowling, fishing, hunting and documentaries about the 1987 St. John's men's shuffle board team.
While some of these shows are interesting, they are not exactly riveting to the "normal" viewer. To succeed in Slawball, an athlete needs to have a great love of sports -- not just a sport or a dozen sports, but all sports.
There are, of course, rules that go along with Slawball.
Bathroom breaks will be allowed every two hours. This will be the only time competitors can leave their seats. The penalty for breaking this rule is having to watch 10 minutes of those terrible Terry Bradshaw 10-10-220 commercials.
Dropping the ball will result in having to watch an entire episode of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" ---áone where Tom Arnold plays a prominent role, too. Yikes.
Excessively loud yawns will be penalized by making the offender listen to a tape of Harry Caray trying to pronounce the name Jose Vizcaino on loop for 30 minutes. "Jose Viz...Jose Vizki...Jose Vizcr...Two outs in the bottom of the seventh!"
That's about it. Slawball is a simple game that can be enjoyed by any athlete or non-athlete.
It is about time that there is a sport that honors and celebrates those who really love sports but have no desire to get off their couches and do something crazy, like move.
So grab some chairs, some Cheetos and some chums, and play Slawball.
If all go as planned, Slawball will be in the Olympics before the decade is out.
Write to Cole at cpmcgrath@bsu.edu
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