One can always tell when a local election is coming. That's when lawns all over the area are strewn with signs promoting candidates running for every office ranging from sheriff to recorder to pool boy.
Usually, the candidate with the most signs wins. The suspense of a local election, however, never fades. Even if a candidate has only one sign painted on the side of a woody wagon and is grossly outnumbered by the candidate with the flashy fluorescent yard signs, there is still hope and spirit. It's a woody wagon. That has to count for something in this bustling democracy.
In a brief and ill-advised moment of grandeur, I considered throwing my own signs into the yard this year. Knowing that strident leadership is a paramount need in the area, I contemplated quietly over an icy malted beverage (several, actually).
Thus, by the end of the evening, I had announced a campaign for sheriff, becoming the 34th person in Muncie to do so this year. Incidentally, I had also announced plans to open a zoo of nothing but polar bears, build a DeLorean from smelted silverware and join the Rolling Stones. Beer sure is great.
I don't know much about politics, so I had to pull from my experiences running for student council in school. With that in mind, I used an old speech and wrote the following:
"My fellow students: Thank you for taking time away from your busy classes to attend. My name is John Montgomery Reagan Spiro Herbert Walker Kennedy Shatner Beauregard Milhouse Alger Cleveland King, and I'd like to be your new sheriff.
"As your new sheriff, I vow to fight for student concerns. Foremost, we will have pizza every day for lunch. Time and again we have been forced to eat salmon patties and mystery meat as our main course. If elected, I will see that we never have to eat cold, dead fish again.
"There will be no more homework. How many times have you stayed home on the weekends to do assignments when your friends were out having fun at the Dairy Freeze? As long as there are decent, hard-working students who put in their time each week in class, there should be no more homework. The time has come for us to take back our free time.
"I will work to gain an extra five minutes per recess. How many times have you been at the bottom of the curly slide -- ready to climb again -- only to have the infernal recess bell strip your turn away? With an extra five minutes, you'll get that last trip down the curly slide.
"If elected, I will see that each student can chew gum in class. We are adults. We can chew gum responsibly. I will also work to improve overall school spirit. Finally, I will work to abolish the student dress code, allowing for more flexible student expression, including shorts on Fridays. Thank you for your time and remember -- vote for King: the Real Thing."
Back in the day, that speech won the masses. But I conceded (after a tearful rant) that I don't have what it takes to be a politician. That whole fire-in-my-gut, radical, no-nonsense, buck-stops-here approach would never work. Also, I couldn't afford that many signs.
This year, exercise your right to vote, but not for the candidate with the most yard signs. Watch political stances and find the candidate with the best intentions. That person may not know how to decorate a lawn, but at least your vote will be informed.
Also, spell my name right.
Write to John at kingseyeland@hotmail.com
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