Today I'd like to talk to you about furries. Quite frankly, they sicken me. Yes, those crazy, costumed freaks with a penchant for -
Italian voice: Hey! What are you-a doin'?
Mouse: What the?
Italian voice: Mouse! It's-a me-a! Mario!
Mouse: Hey! You're Mario the plumber from the Nintendo games! I'm sorry, but the princess is in another castle.
Mario: Oh, blast. Not again!
Mouse: Hold the phone. Where did your Italian accent go?
Mario: Oh, that? Shoot, the accent's always been fake. I'm not even Italian. I'm actually of Romanian descent.
Mouse: Oh, so what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be stomping on Koopa Kids? I hear Ludwig Von Koopa can be a real handful.
Mario: Well, ah, no. The Koopa Kids got laid-off back in 1992. I'm out promoting my new Gamecube game, "Super Mario Sunshine." I was hoping you could plug it in your column.
Mouse: I don't know. What's the deal with that title? "Super Mario Sunshine?" It sounds like something some dumb raver-kid dreamed up.
Mario: (silence)
Mouse: Oh, I see. Geez, I don't know, Mario. I don't think I could promote your game in good conscience. I've been reading up on it, and I'll probably hate it.
Mario: Mouse?! I thought we were good friends. We go way back, remember? You've known me since you were three.
Mouse: Yes, I know, but that was before you wore a Super Soaker on your back. Want to explain that one? Luigi got a vacuum, so you had to have a water cannon? Look, one shameless "Ghostbusters" rip-off was bad enough. At least the first one had a gorilla.
Mario: I'll have you know I am wearing this water tank on my back for a very good reason. In my new game, I have been accused of spraying graffiti on the walls of a small suburban town. I go around cleaning up the graph-art with this water hose.
Industry goon: If I may for a minute, please. My name is Carmel Fishers and I am a marketing researcher for Nintendo. We've found that suburban white kids are our primary target audience. Hip-hop culture is very popular in suburbia and we feel the graffiti nature of the story will appeal to them. Furthermore, they will be able to identify with the suburban setting-
Mouse: Go back from whence you came, foul demon!
Industry goon: ...pain...dying...
Mouse: You disgust me Mario. I want you to have a new, revolutionary aspect of gameplay for your next game, but you have no business meandering in suburbia. It just isn't "you." I want to see you breaking bricks with your head, eating mushrooms, stomping goombas and fighting Wart. Whatever happened to Wart? He was a great villain.
Mario: I'll admit, a game where I save Princess Toadstool from a giant frog in a surreal dreamworld would be amazing. It could take advantage of the Nintendo Gamecube's bright colors and graphic capabilities. But this new game has graffiti, Mouse! It's underground and cool!
Mouse: You're making me wish Sega hadn't gone belly-up, Mario.
Mario: But... but it's-a me-a!
Mouse: Don't you sweet talk me with that accent! Goodbye Mario. Leave me. And don't come back until you're wearing either a yellow cape or a tanuki suit. Bah! Furries!
Write to Ben at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
