Two things will never die: newspapers and mullets. What do these two pieces of cultural detritus have to do with each other? They have more in common than you might think.
A mullet, clearly defined in my head, is "a haircut capable of fashion flexibility by being long in the back but short on the sides and top: a haircut often worn by rednecks, but not exclusive to the redneck subculture. See www.mulletsgalore.com for more information. Wear goggles."
The phrase, "business in front, party in back," has entered the vocabulary of some so as to describe this versatile haircut. Ask some friends about mullets. You may find friends who, at one point (called the "awkward phase"), actually had this haircut. That is assuming you can get them to talk.
Better still, call their parents and ask for high school pictures. High school and mullets go together like Aqua-Net and Warrant. Many parents will be glad to show pictures, not knowing of the laughter you are suppressing as you discover your co-worker, friend or colleague once had the same haircut as Billy Ray Cyrus.
With a proper introduction to the world of mullets behind us, we can now focus on the world of journalism. So put down that Dokken tape, let's go.
Newspapers are beacons of truth and free access to information in our country when someone with enough money to collect other countries isn't deciding what "truth" and "free access" means. More people turn to newspapers every day than any other news source that I personally can think of without doing research.
Often, these people actually read the paper. Others just tear out the crossword puzzle and spend the rest of the day wondering how the editor can regularly print the wrong list of clues with the puzzle. (The answer is simple: we know who you people are and we don't like you.)
Besides getting news, people use newspapers to line birdcages, smack pets and make pirate hats. More uses include kindling fires, wrapping fragile items and covering downtown shop windows. How do you use your newspaper? Can you use a mullet in the same way?
So far, mullets and newspapers could not be more different. This is probably a waste of time for you. Take heart, you can always tear out the crossword or start a fire.
Both newspapers and mullets are scorned, ridiculed and disrespected until people need something. Newspapers often feel the public's wrath when stories break. Employees of newspapers, called "journalists," often take great pride in their work, but get little respect. Technological innovations have not put newspapers under. Where else should one turn for information? The Internet? CNN? I'd rather have a mullet.
Mullets get the same poor treatment. Mullet-wearers often take great pride in their manes, often passing the cascading haircut on to their brood. New hairstyles have not put mullets under. Many mullet-wearers (and some former mullet wearers) generally have the philosophy of "I don't understand it. Let's make fun of it and burn it." (Here, I could surmise that they are burning newspapers, but I debate my accuracy.)
I just generalized, but as is the norm when I generalize, I don't care. Incidentally, according to the dictionary in my head, a family of mullet-wearers is called a "mulletitude." So, in the end, where else can we turn for mullets? Mullets and newspapers provide exclusive services we can't get anywhere else.
Strikingly, newspapers are the mullets of mass media. Outdated, cumbersome and often silly, both can be offensive. Newspapers, like mullets, will never go away. Luckily, we can have one without the other.
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
