Hollywood has done it again. Yahoo!News reported last week that MGM and Miramax are teaming up to do a remake of the Akira Kurosawa classic film "Shichinin no Samurai" ("The Seven Samurai").
All of this has got to stop. Enough is enough.
When Hollywood re-made "The Island of Dr. Moreau" (for the third time), I was OK with that. After all, Marlon Brando as the devilish doctor was perfectly cast. When Hollywood remade "Planet of the Apes," I dug it because Tim Burton can do no wrong. When Sam Rami made "Evil Dead 2," he was essentially remaking the first "Evil Dead," and that was awesome.
But for every good remake of a classic film, there are 20 modern versions of "Psycho" and "Rollerball." I will bet $50 that, before "The Seven Samurai" remake hits theaters, some executive producer will boast, "It's going to be like Braveheart, but in Japan - with swords."
Now, before the film buffs jump down my throat, I know the 1960 classic "The Magnificent Seven" is a Western remake of "The Seven Samurai." But "The Magnificent Seven" encompasses some real filmmaking and I somehow doubt a new version will have the same artistic integrity. I'll say right now that if Jerry Bruckheimer, Russell Crowe or Julia Roberts find themselves anywhere near this project, I will commit hari kiri.
I am frustrated because this sort of thing causes me inner conflict. On one hand, I don't believe a samurai flick, or any other movie with lots of fighting and swords, is a bad thing. I'm all about dumb, entertaining movies. On the other hand, the original film is not dumb, it is beautiful art. I fear this remake will only taint the original.
Miramax and MGM haven't said if they will set the movie in feudal Japan or tell the story in a different setting. Either way, I think we lose.
Let's say they set it in feudal Japan. We'll probably see Jet Li flying off of his mount in another movie that thinks, "I can be the Matrix, too."
They'll have to be politically correct, so the movie will include someone like Michelle Yeoh as a female samurai, wielding a naginata. Never mind that Yeoh and Li aren't Japanese.
Even worse, lets assume they set the remake in a modern setting. This leads me to think of the modern "Romeo and Juliet," which in turn causes me to vomit. I swear the seven samurai had better not be wearing Hawaiian shirts.
I just don't see why Hollywood is so obsessed with bad remakes. Why blow all of the time, energy and resources on a remake that could never eclipse the original, when potential gems like "Freddy vs. Jason" and "Tron 2" rest in developmental hell? Surely those remakes would be better than the originals.
In fact, why even bother with remakes and sequels? (No, "Star Wars" films aren't sequels, they are "episodes." Nice try.) Why not just make original films? Kevin Smith has written every film he's ever directed. I applaud him. Hollywood needs more guys like Kevin Smith.
I suppose I will just have to take solace in knowing the new version of "Time Machine" comes out this weekend.
Write to Ben at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
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