I'll be the first person to say that sports are great. I love them with a passion. But, sports are not perfect, and there are certain things associated with sports that have to come to an end. Here's a short list of a few of them.
1. The Wave
When was the last time The Wave was cool? Anybody? The thing about The Wave that really gets me, other than the annoyance of having to stand up and sit down again and again, is that it rarely works. It always starts out strong, but about 20 rows later, The Wave has already hit the beach and the tide is going out.
2. Football players dumping Gatorade on their coaches
There are times when this celebratory relic should be dusted off and brought out of the closet for show. For example: Winning a championship game would be an appropriate time to try to turn your coach into a Popsicle. But it's not appropriate at every game. It is like birthday cake. Birthday cake is great: on your birthday. Not every day.
3. Fans holding up really bad signs
I don't know which part of this is worse - the signs themselves or the television masterminds who decide to actually show them. I'm not expecting William Shakespeare or Walt Whitman on these signs or anything, but a little creativity wouldn't hurt. Maybe it is just me, but "Go Wildcats" doesn't have the same effect on me that it used to.
4. Halftime interviews with coaches
Let me save you some time so you never have to watch one of these again. If the coach's team is winning, he will say something like, "We've played well so far. Hopefully we can keep it going in the second half."
If the coach's team is losing he will say something like, "We'll have to make some adjustments. Hopefully we can turn it around in the second half."
There you go. Enjoy your extra 30 seconds of life.
5. The "Overrated" chant
We get it. You don't have to keep saying it.
6. The Tomahawk Chop
Not only is this thing as tired as a donkey giving Marlon Brando a ride across Kansas and annoying as being trapped in a phone booth with Carrot Top, but also it is culturally insensitive to Native Americans. It does prove, however, that you can get a whole stadium of people to act like complete morons in unison.
7. Grown men bringing baseball gloves to games
We've all seen guys at games that catch a ball with one bare hand while not dropping a single nacho or spilling one drop of beer. That is impressive. A 30-year-old man pushing little kids out of the way to catch Mr. Spalding with his first baseman's mitt from high school is not. If you are male, over 14 and can't catch the ball with your bare hands, you shouldn't get the ball anyway.
8. Marriage proposals at sporting events
Don't get me wrong, marriage is fantastic. Proposing marriage at a sporting event is dated. Why not try something no one has ever done before - like proposing while bungee jumping from a hot air balloon over Niagara Falls? Wait. That's probably been done before too.
9. Messages on scoreboards telling fans when to cheer
If you don't know when to cheer, you are wasting a perfectly good seat.
10. Fans of unranked teams holding up a No. 1 finger
Anybody can extend their index finger and think they are the best, but we all know better. Just stop lying to yourselves.
Write to Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org