I'm going to be blunt: Someone pooped in my shower this past weekend. I still live in a residence hall because there are certain perks compared to living off campus.
Not anymore.
I know what you're thinking: ew, gross, yuck, ptewy, barf, spew, raunchy, nasty, wrong, stupid, losers, idiots, horrible, and probably how the situation is little funny, and "I can't believe he's writing about this."
This isn't the first time this campus has been attacked by the Shower Defecators. A good friend of mine is a resident assistant in Beeman/Demotte halls and last year it happened on her floor. It's disgusting; nobody wants to clean it up; everyone is angry, and believe me, it doesn't say "hidee ho" when you walk in on it.
I'm livid - not because I have to walk an extra few feet to use the toilet, shower or brush my teeth in the bathroom on the other side of the hall, but because this is a place of "academics" and people aren't thinking. It's hard to believe that people in dorms get higher GPAs than those who live off campus, especially when stupid drunks walk into the shower and play Patty Poo Poo.
I'm also livid because this atrocious act is going to cost. Why? It is an act of vandalism. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, vandalism is a willful or malicious destruction - or defecation - of public or private property.
People need to think before they pop the top on some beer can, guzzle a gallon of vodka or do keg stands. Vandalism happens in the dorms mostly because of out-of-control partygoers. Luckily, I haven't had to worry about this type of activity often, but I do know of some floors in other residence halls that have paid hundreds of dollars in damages.
I wish I could say, "It's okay that someone pooped in the shower. We can forgive them because they're only human." I can't. I'm sorry. They've crossed the line. I have no forgiveness in my heart.
When people become heavily intoxicated, they lose the ability to be human. Once they cause their destruction, whether its dumping cornflakes all over the hallway, drawing on the walls, breaking something or throwing up all over the place, they don't have the mental capacity to clean up their messes or fess up to their drunken mistakes. They'd rather punish every innocent who lives on their floor.
Then I feel bad for the custodians. Whenever I pass them when I'm leaving for class or trudging to the shower, they give me a smile and are energetic and wonderful people. This is how we repay them for their politeness and hard work? They already clean up enough of our messes - they don't need a morning dance with Mr. Hankey and a bucket of suds.
Vandalism isn't funny because, in the end, all the people on the floor will be fined. A college education is expensive enough as it is; we don't need the added cost of poop clean-up.
To scare those from performing any more vandalism, maybe we should change the rules and whenever we find out who performed vandalism in the dorm, we'll take them out and publicly flog them with a paddle. People affected by the vandalism will each have their chance at the target.
Write to Evan at emann@mr-potatohead.com
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