Welcome once again to The Psychic Turban Show, where we make bold predictions that, although not actually guaranteed to come to fruition, are still more fun than reading local news.
As this is the time of year for resolutions and predictions the world over (except in China), we have decided to jump on the bandwagon. After all, that's how one becomes cool.
Bear in mind these predictions only go through May. The reason is simple: I can't see beyond May because the rest of the months are made of lead.
Jan. 9: A non-traditional student in one of your classes will relate real-life experiences to the class discussion. Everyone under the age of 23 will roll their eyes and ignore this contribution.
Jan. 18: The Chug will re-open in a gala celebration. The Oak Ridge Boys and REO Speedwagon will perform. Three hours into this celebration, The Chug will once again go out of business.
Jan. 19: Early in the morning hours, two distinct sets of drunken voices will be heard echoing through campus, one singing "Elvira" and the other singing "Take it on the Run" in a drunken, choral battle of the bands like no other.
Jan. 26: You will return to your hometown and find an extremely popular person from your high school managing a video store. You will discover that, despite his unexpected social status, you are still not as popular. He will call you, "Guy," as you leave because he can't remember your name.
Feb. 1: Campus representatives will erect a memorial for all the Pharaoh's slaves who died constructing, deconstructing, and then re-constructing Shafer Tower. The memorial will be built on a foundation of sand, which, according to our panel of Italian architects, is the most stable foundation possible.
Feb. 21: A lengthy investigation will reveal striking resemblances between the food at McDonald's and the food produced in Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle." Despite these stirring findings, people will still go to McDonald's. People will always go to McDonald's. The people can't be stopped from going to McDonald's. Oh, I will stop them. I will show them all.
Feb. 28 Thousands of people the world over will have to stop and think whether the following day will be Feb. 29 or March 1. Most will just wait and see what CNN says.
Mar. 1: Oprah will announce her newest book-club selection, which for the first time will be an actual work of literature. Disgruntled bookstore employees, upon reaching their personal nirvanas, will be heard saying, "It's about time someone outsold Barbara Kingsolver."
Mar. 7: You will contact a good friend to whom you have not spoken in years and spend several minutes on the phone, but most of this time will be when he clicks over to talk to his girlfriend, leaving you hanging. He will call you, "Guy," toward the end of the conversation when he can't remember your name.
Mar. 27: Jimmy Dean's classic country hit, "Big Bad John," will top the charts and bewilder music industry executives. Dean will be unmasked to reveal Mr. Whipple from the Charmin commercials. This will not confuse executives further, but make them squeeze their toilet paper instead.
April 1: You will be the target of an April Fool's joke gone wrong as you wake to find that instead of your furniture, it is you nailed to the ceiling.
April 19: Farm animals will overthrow SGA and paint commandments on Bracken Library. One of the commandments will read: "Whatever goes on two legs is an enemy." Faculty will be seen crawling to work, except English professors, who will be seen fleeing.
May 1: Predictions will be deemed useless - and rightly so.
Write to John at kingseyeland@hotmail.com
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
