It's almost as though I live in a McDonald's restaurant, but the golden arches are red instead of yellow.
People rave about my hometown of Columbus, Ind., as a town of architectural genius, and that is because all of us taxpayers spent thousands of dollars for a red bridge marking the exit to Columbus from I-65. It is said to give people the sense of coming into a town with a bang.
Just shoot me, really.
Everyone makes fun of their hometown. The most common phrase is, "There's nothing to do here." We all wish we lived somewhere cool like Chicago or Cincinnati, but then we hear those natives say, "Well, there really isn't all that much to do."
When I hear Cincinnati residents say that, I remember the city that has an amusement park, a major league baseball team and one of the best malls ever, I just want to ask them one question.
Do you want to play miniature golf? Or, how about (now this is exciting) a movie? Then maybe we could take a swing down our cruise strip. Now that's what I call fun.
Columbus has two malls, but combined there are not enough stores to fill one mall. The Department of Motor Vehicles is even housed in one of our malls.
Yes, the DMV mingles with the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers. I can just hear it now: "We are having a sale on license plates today. Only $5.99." Maybe that is just wishful thinking.
Then after you pick up your license plate at the mall, you can take a trip down the classic cruise strip: 25th Street. In high school we called it the Big Two-Five or the better-suited Deuce Nickel. And if you're lucky, you will see the notorious man known as the "Silver Stallion."
No one knows his real name, but he is an old man who drives a run-down pickup truck grossly decorated with country-music trinkets. He cruises the Deuce Nickel every Friday and Saturday night and gets plenty of attention as one of his many bumper stickers reads "Honk if you love a cowboy." We humor him sometimes, so he blares old Hank Williams tunes and will give a loud "Yee-hah!" to the ladies who give a friendly honk.
Sometimes when we were bored in high school, a carload of my friends and I would drive to this haunted house in the scary town of Petersville. This old abandoned chateau was a teen hang-out when my parents were young and still attracted visitors. We would go in there and rummage around until we either became scared or the owner, "Old Man Finkel," came after us with his shotgun. That was always an adventure until some punk burned the place down.
I guess we were really lame.
Honestly, there really is nothing to do. I can hear the disagreement of all the people who really live in Podunk and would beg for a movie theater. At least you have some deer to shoot or something. Sometimes people shoot guns in Columbus, but that is usually followed by somebody going to jail.
Speaking of jail, if anyone ever tries to throw a party in Columbus, it gets busted. Every single time. Cops have party-radar in Columbus. I have a friend at home who has been arrested for minor consumption three times since August. Then he invited me to a party on New Year's Eve. Yeah, right. Other than the fact that there is absolutely nothing to do, Columbus is nice.
Well, if you're old.
It's quiet, and the crime rate is low. A lot of diverse ethnic groups share the town rather peacefully. And it is pretty. After all we are, as the mayor puts it, the town of architectural genius. I mean that is what most 20-year-olds want in their town. Gee, there is nothing to do, but that grass sure is green....The more I complain about it, I realize it is home, and maybe it is not that terrible. I have the right to make fun of it. I live there.
My hometown has given me a lot, really. So I guess the next time I joke, I will remember that at home if I want to play Putt-Putt or cruise the town, I can at least turn right on red.
Write to Rachel at chelperkins_25@yahoo.com
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