COLUMN: Letter to bin Laden enlightening

And the Lord God said, "Now that the man has become like one of us, knowing good and bad..." Genesis 3: 22

As many Americans continue to deal with recent events during the holidays, as an optimist reminiscent of Voltaire's Professor Pangloss (Candide) who you may remember as saying that "there is no effect without a cause and that this is the best of all possible worlds," I decided to write a Christmas letter of a different nature this year:

Dear Osama,

I was once told that there must exist an ultimate evil in order for there to be an ultimate good. My faith (trust) in God/Allah, who is infinitely wiser than any man, gives me confidence that recent events have confirmed this maxim. Think of it, God vs. Satan, regular vs. diet, Democrat vs. Republican (well, lesser of two evils). As a result, I want to thank you for bombing the World Trade Center. Be not mistaken, the orchestrated mass homicide you and your cohorts committed have surely earned you a spot on "Lucifer's Most Wanted." Since then however, never in my short life have I truly realized what it meant to be an American. What I have experienced the last two months is what my father, his parents, their parents and generations before them have lived and died for, to be American.

Thank you for giving us an excuse to test the validity of our Constitutional rights. Not since Africans in America were legislated into humanity have we had the opportunity to contradict the founding fathers of our nation. Surely I have the unalienable rights guaranteed (at the time of this writing) by a document that the oppressors of my ancestors wrote, but the last two months have bore fruit worth eating.

I don't know everything about you and the "beef" you have with America, but it seems that you and most conservative Americans are from the same school of thought. You see, most wholesome Americans abhor the misogynistic and sexist culture that degrades and objectifies women. Before Anthrax, most Americans knew nothing of chemical warfare. As a result of the AIDS epidemic, people of color and homosexuals in this country have been coping with bioterrorism for years. Even in a country of such abundance, millions are starving-much like the displaced refugees of Afghanistan-in order to protect our economy. However, as evidenced since 9-11, we can be a benevolent people as long as it's tax deductible.

One would have thought that with gory violence on TV, in our movies and in our video games-all of which of course, have nothing to do with the violence in our schools-we would have been desensitized enough to handle such a tragedy. Thanks to the surreal video footage from our sensationalist media, we have a new found respect for the maxim "violence in, violence out."

Unlike many of my compatriots, I don't wish you death per se. While in the minority, I propose that we make you a prisoner of war, dress you in black face and deposit you in a ghetto of New York City or Los Angeles. If you carry on like you have, an honorable death will most likely be dealt to you by one of the city's "finest"-you know, some of the police officers you made a martyr in your 9-11 attack. Before your egregious attack, a few dishonorable police officers around the country where running amuck in our urban communities, murdering defenseless civilians much like you did. Thanks to your aggressions however, the disreputable are now being hailed as "heroes."

In closing, I'd like to thank you for your part in stimulating our economy. Before you shut down Wall Street, we were worried about an eminent recession. But thanks to this War on Terrorism, the increase in flag sales and multi-billion dollar defense contracts, a brighter day for our beleaguered economy is on the horizon. Other tensions you helped us forget were money for education, the debate on affirmative action and even the hotly contested presidential coup.

Outside of dodging the smart bombs being guided by dumb people (human error) have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

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