Last week, something happened that added a new dimension and further credence to my theories of the decline of western civilization. Before last week, these theories revolved mainly around the fact that the only thing on television worth watching is "The Price Is Right," but now, I regret to report, I've seen the surface of decency erode once again.
In Ann Arbor, Mich., a 17-year-old high school student donned an anatomically correct vagina costume and went to school thinking it was a good idea for Halloween. He was suspended later that day -- but only after winning the school's costume competition.
Predictably, he won first prize. Predictably, he was suspended. The unbelievable part is that his mother -- who made the costume for herself and works as a midwife -- condoned her son's behavior. She said that there was nothing inappropriate about it.
The student, who will remain nameless because he is undoubtedly cool enough already, defended himself by saying that it was "just another body part."
I applaud the school officials, who actually exercised responsible decision making in light of motherly ineptitude. The safe bet is that the officials saw it as a feeble popularity stunt and dealt with it swiftly -- but not swiftly enough, it seems.
I read this story and couldn't help but feel sorry for the dorks. The dorks at this school are probably no more popular than the dorks at any other school, despite being good at math and destined to be worth more than Third World countries.
I feel sorry because a dork didn't think of this first, and instead probably went dressed as a Klingon or perhaps the Hoth Wampa. While these would have been wonderful costumes, these ideas would have fallen short of the caliber of an anatomically correct vagina.
Dorks would like so much to be popular. Had any thought of it first, one might have enjoyed a meteoric rise to coolness, like Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love" or Corey Haim in "Lucas." The potential for a Rudy Clap would have been tremendous, had just one dork thought to dress as female genitalia first.
I hope the Friends of Vagina Boy took pictures and got many laughs. I hope some girl showed up at school dressed as a penis and they exchanged that magical glance from across the cafeteria -- you know, that glance that says, "We're made for each other."
He will forever be remembered as the bravest, coolest, neatest guy in his graduating class. He probably even owns a car. He will probably wear the vagina costume at all sorts of parties and reunions for years to come.
He'll probably go to college and join a fraternity or other organization devoted to philanthropy, sobriety, and good clean fun, where he will forever be known as Vagina Boy.
He'll probably attend a college that will be so enamored of him, they will change the school mascot to the Fighting Vagina. He will become the mascot for his college's football team and dance around the field, gyrating at halftime, attracting attention again.
The costume will eventually become a family heirloom. The mother who made it for her own office party did pass it on to her son, therefore he must pass it on to his offspring, who must pass it on to their offspring, and so on. The vagina will be the symbol of their family. On their coat of arms, there will just be a great big vagina.
At that point, I'm sure he will look back on his life and wonder why things were never normal for him, and why his kids didn't turn out right. He'll wonder and shout at the sky, but no one will take him seriously. He is Vagina Boy. Let's all laugh at him.
Write to John at firstname.lastname@example.org